WHEN GRACE CAN FEEL LIKE A WEAKNESS #2
When someone offends you by putting you down (oh,that dress is pretty but it makes you look fatter), diminishing your efforts (oh, yeah, I guess it's good, I mean a lot of people run the marathon), denying your feelings (you're being too sensitive), re-writing history ( you never take me out for my birthday. Really ? You have the credit card bills to prove that you have done so many times) and I could go on and on listing slights and cruelties that I and all of you have heard and/or encountered. When these insensitivities are hurled at us, we get hurt, mad, and sad in varying degrees. Some of us are teflon but not many. If you reach inside, how many of you feel fighting mad ? Feel like striking back ? Giving as good as you got ? Being spiteful and getting revenge? I'll show them.
The energy given by the offender has the effect of making you feel less and maybe you want to gain power and not feel weak by letting someone get away with it so you sling trash back and slug it out at that level. You wanna win and get the upper hand. That is one approach.
What is power ? As defined, power is the ability to produce an effect, the ability to produce a desired effect without resistance, ability to cause or prevent an action, the discretion to act or not. Developing your inner connection in which you:
1) SLOW IT DOWN
2) THINK/FEEL
3) CHOOSE
will give you the power to not be set off like a firecracker when another person is in the mood to ignite you. It allows you to choose an action and not be jerked around by someone releasing their tension and unmoored feelings all over you. You have the skill to decide to act or not and in what style.
1) SLOW IT DOWN
2) THINK/FEEL
3) CHOOSE
will give you the power to not be set off like a firecracker when another person is in the mood to ignite you. It allows you to choose an action and not be jerked around by someone releasing their tension and unmoored feelings all over you. You have the skill to decide to act or not and in what style.
YOU CAN REALLY TELL SOMEONE WHERE TO GET OFF WITHOUT GOING OFF.
Knowing to step away is a strength not a weakness.
Knowing to step away is a strength not a weakness.
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| THE NEW YORKER - Robert Mankoff ( it's almost polite but not quite) |
DIRECT APPROACH
Say it straight and represent your experience. Keep the tone simple and factual.
Say it straight and represent your experience. Keep the tone simple and factual.
Regarding the marathon comment: 'You guess, it's good ? It was great. I trained very hard for the marathon and it took so much discipline and endurance and I feel like I accomplished a lot by doing it. It would be great for me if you could appreciate that. I'd love that.'
EXPERIENTIAL APPROACH
If someone is treating you in a certain way you can remove yourself. For example, a colleague is complaining or yelling and you have asked them not to. Simply put your coat on and tell them you are going for a walk..yelling does not work for you. If they question it, say: IF YOU SHOUT, I'M OUT..IF YOU STAY CALM AND JUST SAY, I'LL STAY.
You change the experience by not participating at the level they set.
YOU RE-SET and change the style. You are not avoiding the content to be discussed. You are choosing not to enter what they have set up and declining to be part of their system. You wanna shout, shout by yourself, I'm not participating but I will communicate on mutual terms. Let's figure those out.
Childhood is a blueprint for how we treat each other. This is where being unkind and not allowing one another to be their true individual selves starts and can get stuck Thank goodness it is mutable and we have the power to make changes. Childhood behaviors are not imbedded in concrete..you get to decide what to keep and what to let go of. This video MEAN GIRLS written by young teenager
RACHEL CROW shows both the direct approach and the experiential approach.
In the teen years, so much that goes on is about competition, judgement and rank.
'Oh, you do thaat ?! '
Someone has to be on top, someone has to be on the bottom. I regularly hear these dynamics described in adult work environments. Not a week goes by without my hearing about insecure bosses or colleagues doing a number so that they can lift themselves at someone else's expense. The associate asks a question, only to be met with the reply, complete with a wincing face or huffy tone, ' I explained that already.' Honestly, is that level of condescension necessary ?
What is really gained by this show of petty power ?
MEAN GIRLS by RACHEL CROW
You change the experience by not participating at the level they set.
YOU RE-SET and change the style. You are not avoiding the content to be discussed. You are choosing not to enter what they have set up and declining to be part of their system. You wanna shout, shout by yourself, I'm not participating but I will communicate on mutual terms. Let's figure those out.
Childhood is a blueprint for how we treat each other. This is where being unkind and not allowing one another to be their true individual selves starts and can get stuck Thank goodness it is mutable and we have the power to make changes. Childhood behaviors are not imbedded in concrete..you get to decide what to keep and what to let go of. This video MEAN GIRLS written by young teenager
RACHEL CROW shows both the direct approach and the experiential approach.
In the teen years, so much that goes on is about competition, judgement and rank.
'Oh, you do thaat ?! '
Someone has to be on top, someone has to be on the bottom. I regularly hear these dynamics described in adult work environments. Not a week goes by without my hearing about insecure bosses or colleagues doing a number so that they can lift themselves at someone else's expense. The associate asks a question, only to be met with the reply, complete with a wincing face or huffy tone, ' I explained that already.' Honestly, is that level of condescension necessary ?
What is really gained by this show of petty power ?
MEAN GIRLS by RACHEL CROW
-Eleanor Roosevelt
this is great Martine, keep going.
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