TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE
SKILLS TO STAY IN GRACE:
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I define GRACE as kindness and courtesy. It can feel like a very nice space to be in and also a very challenging one to stay in when people and/or situations are pushing at you.
COMMON EXAMPLES:
You are at the movies and the person in front of you is talking like they are on a cell phone in a wind tunnel.
You are feeling content and you get on the subway and some person keeps bumping you and is annoyed when you ask them to move a bit.
Your relative is visiting and you arrive home to find your dishes and cookware ( at least, they didn't throw it all out ) re-arranged. GRRR!!!
Our moods can change quite quickly. Ever watch a baby's face ? One minute they are happy, the next, displeased and crying, the next minute, happy again. Babies react instantly to whatever is effecting them and they are not able to apply thought and make decisions in regard to how they are effecting others. They cry or scream or throw things or laugh. Hey, they are babies and this is normal, expectable and acceptable.
Once activated, it is natural even for adults to become moody and reactive and want to just pounce. We may want to scream or cry without regard of our effect on someone else. Fist pounding, talking endlessly, crying, pushing, becoming demanding in heightened degrees is unregulated behavior. It releases tension for a minute but we are not babies and can't get away with these behaviors without consequences. After all, even overwrought real babies get on our nerves. We as adults have the capacity to be responsible; ABLE TO RESPOND, RESPONSE -ABLE and the way we react will effect and determine the outcome.
Do you know what outcome you want ?
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Remember those rules we were all taught about what to do in a fire ? Here they are: Stop, drop and roll.
Here are the GUIDES FOR AN EMOTIONAL FIRE ( agitation, stress, challenge, activation, aggravation, frustration, flummoxed, tense, uneasy, scared, hurt..)
SLOW IT DOWN
THINK/FEEL
CHOOSE
1) SLOW IT DOWN - take a breath, focus on something steady on the floor or a piece of jewelry you are wearing. Don't fight it. If you need to speak perhaps a statement: 'I need to think it over' or
' I don't know where I am with it yet.' Your aim here is to calm and ease so that you can ....
2) THINK/FEEL- Are you feeling something in your body ? Now locate the upset; stomach churning, heart palpitations and keep breathing. You will settle in a minute or two. Assess what is happening and consider what you want to say or do or not want to say and do. Don't rush ( unless you are in physical harm).
3) CHOOSE- an action that reflects what you want to accomplish.
If you would like the man talking loudly in the movies to stop talking and you yell, it will likely agitate and cause him to be defensive. If you want quiet so you can enjoy the film, what feels like the most effective tactic ?
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SWEETENING THE INTERACTION
Take a moment to remember and feel what it is like when someone is critical of you. Not everyone but most people want to defend their position. They feel attacked or accused. How can you apply some method to support someone to be more receptive ? I suggest sweetening.
SOME SWEETENERS:
ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW WITH::
1) You may not have realized...
2) You may not have been aware ( ie; that I was sitting there, was on this line )
3) Is there anyway, you could (make this adjustment) speak softer ? Allow me to move over there? Adjust your bag which is bumping me ?
4) I can see you see it that way but for whatever reason, I don't see it that way or I don't feel that way
5) That is not my take on it.
6) Be aware of the tone in your voice. Watch for the edge, volume, anger and try to neutralize them.
DO NOT ASSUME AND ASSIGN BAD MOTIVES TO THE OTHER PERSON
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In other words, no blaming or judgement. Blaming and judgement will not help. HELPING SOMEONE TO SEE THEIR PART HELPS THEM BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT.
If you encounter an edge from the person, speak to it simply. Do not return an edge for an edge and expect things to go smoothy. In the case of the crowded subway car, if the person says,
' Where do you expect me to move ? Huh ? It's packed.' ( I have heard this so many times.)
Acknowledge the fact, 'Yes, it is so crowded, it's awful for us.' and suggest trying something that might work.
Using an 'us' statement makes someone feel you are in it together and will find a solution together. This re-frames me vs. you.
This may seem like a lot to think about and it is. You are developing a new muscle and if anyone exercises or plays an instrument, you know that repetition and practice help a skill to become second nature. In order to get one muscle in your body to have definition, it takes months of a repeated routine. To play one song flawlessly means playing it during endless hours of rehearsal but then you've got it in your repertoire, it's yours. It is the same with the behavior of heart skills. We can make a choice to train ourselves as emotional heart athletes.
And all this practice is to be skilled at caring for your well-being. It is worth your while if you want to move through the world with grace and ease.
