Okay, so you encounter unexpected, strange, unfair and even outrageous behavior directed at you. Can you recall any of your responses ? Perhaps your
jaw drops, eyes open wide, breath accelerates, body gets hot with a cortisol or adrenalin rush ( the stress hormones). You are taken aback and don't quite know how to formulate a response.
ALWAYS, Remember the skills, SLOW DOWN, THINK/FEEL, CHOOSE.
Below, I will give scenarios which I call JAW DROPPERS and then the skill necessary to maintain your grace. There are
'little J' jaw droppers and
'BIG J 'jaw droppers and of course, the mini ones, 'mini J's, that we encounter throughout life all the time.
*************************************************************
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HUH ? :
************************************************************
I first mentioned writing, TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE to a friend as we were having breakfast in a coffee shop. I explained how very bright, expressive individuals would tell me over and over that they didn't know what to say in the face a conflict. "I've got one for you," she said.
Keep in mind that my friend, Jill, has done years of work in individual, group and marital counseling. She has a great life with friends and family, is a very successful parent, a successful professional ( not a therapist) and just an all-around emotionally sophisticated person. In other words very skilled. Her 'little j' ( though it did not feel so little to her at the time) jaw dropper happened at a holiday dinner which she hosted in her home.
HERE GOES : Jill prepared a Christmas dinner which she does almost every year. She has comfortable, elegant taste and the tables are set with pretty colors and simplicity. This year her brother arrived with his new girlfriend who Jill and her family have socialized with before. After pleasant greetings, Jill went back to preparing something and when she turned around, she saw her brother's girlfriend sprinkling glitter Christmas decorations everywhere over the set tables marking turf much like a canine and fire hydrant.
I asked Jill, " What did you do ? " This is how Jill's face looked ( see below) in response to my question and she said nothing.
 |
| IMDb |
She watched her country elegance being turned into a glittery party favor poof and had no clue how to stop it.
Off the cuff, I said, 'How about getting a bowl, scooping the glitter into it and saying, 'these are so bright and pretty, I'd like to put them all together here near the window so that they catch the light and sparkle. '
A few things are happening in this choice. First, you are accepting that 'the girlfriend' brought something she liked and you are not de-valuing the gesture. You are not assuming hostility; yes, she is overstepping her boundary, definitely. No need to reject or humiliate her, just re-direct.
RE-DIRECTING is a major skill. We do it with children all the time. It's not going well in one place for the four year old, you direct his attention elsewhere.
Instead of a confrontation, a rejection, I suggest re-directing to what you want in the least hurtful way possible.
If it is a continual pattern,you might have to have a direct dialogue. Stay positive, 'I appreciate that you bring something to contribute; can we set it up so that it works with what I have planned since I'm hosting the event ?' Ask her what she would like to do ? If she is hurt, simply say, 'I definitely don't want to hurt your feelings, I want to figure out something that works for both of us, I really do.'
 |
| NIH |
If the person is exasperating, you may have to
hold your inner nose and not get drawn into anything petty. Keep your eye on the ball; on the goal of grace. You can say it angers you without trying to destroy someone.
TWO SISTERS AND THE BIG,BIG J
Background:
An acute turn for the worst in their mother's health and then her subsequent death forced these two sisters into contact after a choppy, unpleasant decade of tensions in which they had seen each other only a handful of times. The older sister (Older) and the younger sister (Younger) had a complicated relationship almost from the start. Older was forced to do surrogate parenting for Younger, a dozen or so years her junior because their mother was always working and also suffered from anxiety and depression. Sometimes Older was very generous and later this seemed to lead her to resentment if she was not in her eyes sufficiently appreciated by Younger. Older offered help through some ambivalence and so there was a:
dynamic sandwich of, yes I want to give and no, I don't want to give but I feel I have to and I am angry and resentful.
As adults, Older was often angry, saying nasty things that alienated Younger. Younger was not heard when she tried to address it, often being met with,
___________________________________________________________________
' I don't remember saying that' or 'You're too sensitive, ' or 'I never said that at all, I would never.' When Y wrote several letters suggesting going to a counselor to try and process things together, Older never responded. Younger's husband advised her to send a copy of the invitation everyday until Older answered, Younger stopped at three unanswered letters. Younger stayed away from Older and gradually the parting became a chasm. Older blamed the entire chasm on Younger and refused to acknowledge any part in creating the alienation and estrangement.
Despite this history, they managed to get through their mother's funeral in a calm, pleasant enough manner.
Wait ..there is more ...Challenge to taking space with Grace:
About a month or so after the funeral, Older calls Younger and says that there are some items from Mom's house that she might want. Younger declines. Older says that there are antique glasses from Europe that belonged to Dad's family. Younger says they sound nice but she is fine and doesn't want them. Older persists and Younger says maybe in a while she'll look but she is too tired from all the loss and doesn't want to see them now.
Another month or so goes by and Older calls Younger encouraging her to come by and take a look at the glasses. Younger says that she will and a month later she sets a date. Her partner and a friend offer to go along but Younger says that it will be fine. She is simply stopping by and it will be a short visit.
When Younger arrives at Older's home, Older is pleasant and leads her to a table where she has laid out picked over items. As Younger is looking at the items on the table, she realizes that there are no glasses and says, " I thought there were glasses from Daddy's family?" Older responds in a nasty tone, " I decided to keep them and give them to D ( Older's daughter).
HOSTILE AS ALL HELL!
Younger is in a state between shock and dumbfounded. She simply says, " That's not very nice, you called me several times to come over for the glasses." Older, snarls, " Oh, really, that's not very nice ?"
This is the acute moment where Older is highly activated. Younger is really challenged.
Younger does not respond. She lets the heightened moment pass. She continues to look over the items on the table and picks an item that she remembers from her early history; a knick- knack from some shelf. Five minutes pass and without looking up, she addresses Older. " You know, I don't need the glasses but D is not her daughter, I am her daughter and these are part of my legacy; it's about my legacy as her child."
Older says nothing and they talk for a few minutes about their other sister. Younger says , she is leaving now and begins walking to the door.
Older goes into another room, comes back and hands Younger a box. Younger asks, 'What's this ?" Older replies, " The glasses." Younger accepts the glasses, thanks Older and leaves.
 |
| Frank Cotham- The New Yorker |
Younger chose to not engage with Older because she believed it was hopeless.
Fearing it would be an irrational free for all with decades of rage that Older would start blasting, Younger waited till the heavy emotional activation from Older settled down and then Younger spoke from a
truthful place.
Sadly, these two have never been able to connect on any safe, mutual terms.
FYI- J.K. Rowling and Abe Lincoln were never able to reconcile with their fathers.
SKILL: DO NOT ENGAGE
This is a choice. If you are going to be met with irrational or out of control energy, (what I call,
JAW DROPPER behavior) you can choose not to engage on any level that will agitate or keep it going.
Let it calm and then speak (or not).
SKILL REVIEW: RE-DIRECT
DO NOT ENGAGE
