SKILLS FOR TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE

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"SKILLS FOR GRACE"


TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE
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I define GRACE as kindness and courtesy. It can feel like a very nice space to be in and also a very challenging one to stay in when people and/or situations are pushing at you.

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COMMON EXAMPLES
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You are at the movies and the person in front of you is talking like they are on a cell phone in a wind tunnel.

You are feeling content and you get on the subway and some person keeps bumping you and is annoyed when you ask them to move a bit.

Your relative is visiting and you arrive home to find your dishes and cookware ( at least, they didn't throw it all out ) re-arranged. GRRR!!!

Our moods can change quite quickly. Ever watch a baby's face ? One minute they are happy, the next, displeased and crying, the next minute, happy again. Babies react instantly to whatever is effecting them and they are not able to apply thought and make decisions in regard to how they are effecting others. They cry or scream or throw things or laugh. Hey, they are babies and this is normal, expectable and acceptable.

Once activated, it is natural even for adults to become moody and reactive and want to just pounce. We may want to scream or cry without regard of our effect on someone else. Fist pounding, talking endlessly, crying, pushing, becoming demanding in heightened degrees is unregulated behavior. It releases tension for a minute but we are not babies and can't get away with these behaviors without consequences. After all, even overwrought real babies get on our nerves. We as adults have the capacity to be responsible; ABLE TO RESPOND, RESPONSE -ABLE  and the way we react will effect and determine the outcome.

Do you know what outcome you want ?

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Remember those rules we were all taught about what to do in a fire ? Here they are: Stop, drop and roll.

Here are the GUIDES FOR AN EMOTIONAL FIRE (fire defined as: agitation, stress, challenge, activation, aggravation, frustration, flummoxed, tense, uneasy, scared, hurt, intensely excited..)

SLOW IT DOWN

THINK/FEEL

CHOOSE

1)  SLOW IT DOWN - by taking 3 breaths ( short in, out slow.. can really help) or focusing on something steady on the floor or a piece of jewelry you are wearing.  Don't fight it. If you need to speak perhaps a statement to give you some emotional room: 

'I need to think it over' or ' I don't know where I am with it yet.' Your aim here is to calm and ease so that you can ....

2) THINK/FEEL- Are you feeling something in your body ? Now locate the upset; stomach churning, heart palpitations and keep breathing. You will settle in a minute or two. Assess what is happening and consider what you want to say or do or not want to say and do. Don't rush ( unless you are in physical harm).

3) CHOOSE- an action that reflects what you want to accomplish.

If you would like the man talking loudly in the movies to stop talking and you yell, it will likely agitate and cause him to be defensive. If you want quiet so you can enjoy the film, what feels like the most effective tactic?

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SWEETENING THE INTERACTION

Take a moment to remember and feel what it is like when someone is critical of you. Not everyone but most people want to defend their position. They feel attacked or accused which can make someone less willing to bend or compromise. How can you apply some method to support someone to be more receptive ? I suggest sweetening.

SOME SWEETENERS:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW WITH::

1) You may not have realized...

2) You may not have been aware ( ie; that I was sitting there, was on this line )

3) Is there anyway, you could (make this adjustment) speak softer ? Allow me to move over there?  Adjust your bag which is bumping me ?

4) I can see you see it that way but for whatever reason, I don't see it that way or I don't feel that way

5) That is not my take on it.

6) Be aware of the tone in your voice. Watch for the edge, volume, anger and try to neutralize them.

DO NOT ASSUME AND ASSIGN BAD MOTIVES TO THE OTHER PERSON

In other words, no blaming or judgement. Blaming and judgement will not help.
BLAMING AND JUDGEMENT JUST SHUTS PEOPLE DOWN.  HELPING SOMEONE TO SEE THEIR PART HELPS THEM BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT. 

If you encounter an edge from the person, speak to it simply. Do not return an edge for an edge and expect things to go smoothy.  In the case of the crowded subway car, if the person says,

' Where do you expect me to move ? Huh ? It's packed.'  ( I have heard this so many times.)

Acknowledge the fact, 'Yes, it is so crowded, it's awful for us.' and suggest trying something that might work.

Using an 'us' statement makes someone feel you are in it together and will find a solution together. This re-frames me vs. you.  Sometimes saying ,' let's see what we can come up with' can be effective.

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This may seem like a lot to think about and it is. You are developing a new muscle and if anyone exercises or plays an instrument, you know that repetition and practice help a skill to become second nature. In order to get one muscle in your body to have definition, it takes months of a repeated routine. To play one song flawlessly means playing it during endless hours of rehearsal but then you've got it  in your repertoire, it's yours. It is the same with the behavior of heart skills. We can make a choice to train ourselves as emotional heart athletes.. It is worth your while if you want to move through the world with grace and ease.

GIVE IT NO POWER-Martine Byer

               

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GIVE IT NO POWER- TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE

In the last post, I ended with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt-
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"NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO."
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This may be a true statement in theory and in practice for many but no matter how developed and advanced a person becomes in their awareness, no one is made of stone. We are human and as human beings we are all porous, we are all vulnerable. Things get to us and hurtful actions and words sting. When someone goes to club us, we feel hit.  When someone behaves out of balance with their own grace (kindness) and strikes a blow, it helps to locate their limitation and figure out what is really going on. It helps to know that it is their inability to regulate their emotions and their weakness in communication that leads them to strike a low blow. WHEN YOU GET A HURTFUL MESSAGE, YOU NEED TO SEE WHO THE MESSENGER IS.
If life is going well for you with a job, friends, things that are important to you, you may be less vulnerable and more resilient and capable of pushing a hit off quickly. If you are not feeling fortified and resilient, what can you do to get yourself there ? I propose practicing the the skill:

**** GIVE IT NO POWER.*******************************************

Some years ago, I walked into my building and saw a neighbor who I knew only in passing. She was sitting slouched over on the steps, had her head in her hands and was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she was okay and that she didn't want to talk about it but then I quickly heard the dreary details. Her boss was continually critical. If the boss felt or experienced an emotion, she would just spew it out all over her office staff. My neighbor felt she had no recourse because she needed the job as a single parent. She had applied for a transfer but found out that day that she didn't get it though she could keep that pursuit active; she was distraught. I might add that she had a tenured postion and was not in jeopardy of losing her job.
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 If you are stuck in a bad situation, you have to focus  strong and hard on your own reactions, your own inner narrative, meaning, how you talk to yourself about what is happening on the outside.
My neighbor's narrative was heavily focused on being enraged, wanting to fight back and being helpless to do so in any interactions. She was very engaged in how unfair it was to always be judged as unpleasing ( and it was ).
One clue that the emotion coming at you is not about you is the level of extreme heat being heaped at you. If the boss is in attack mode from the get go, this is about her anxiety. There are appropriate ways to present displeasure, criticism, corrections without coming out with both barrels blazing.  The content may have some validity; maybe you were late a couple of mornings last week or your reports need more detail. Those things are easily corrected; they are not a catastrophe.
 I came to know my neighbor as someone who was nervous and anxious by nature and took things hard. Her narrative was that she had to do everything right and be pleasing. This inner mandate was impossible because she was interacting with a boss who had an inner narrative or mandate which was the opposite; everything from the outside is a disappointment to me.
THIS IS A NO WIN DYNAMIC !!
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She was giving the boss the power to tell her she was unpleasing and this sent her into despair. Once she woke up to the fact that the boss had to tell everyone they were displeasing, she didn't take the criticism quite so hard. If someone cannot give, they cannot give.
In other words, if you want someone who is tone deaf to sing a song in tune and you keep wanting it to happen so that you can feel good and won't give it up, you will be in a hopeless situation.
THE PERSON CANNOT SING. You are asking someone else to make you feel  good but they are not capable of giving it to you.
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NEIGHBOR                                     VERSUS                     BOSS
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Neighbor wants to please the boss                              Boss allows no one to please her

Neighbor gives power to define her                            Boss not capable of good response                                                                                                                                                                           
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DESIRE                                             VERSUS                     REALITY
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I WANT YOU TO SING                                             I CAN NEVER SING

I WANT MY COW TO FLY                                       COWS CANNOT FLY

**NOW look for something you try to get that may be impossible..think about it.
                                          
A dear friend of mine, L,  comes from the family from hell..no really! One of our mutual friends called L's family, a casting call for cuckoo's nest. Okay, so they were difficult and out of control when jazzed up which didn't take much. Though a few years ago, there was a horrendous situation when someone close to L was dying. It was a long, decline and since several of her family have panic/anxiety disorders, everything became catastrophized. And by this I mean on a scale of 1 through 10, crisis' large and small got bumped up to a 10 at the speed of light. Since L's family has so much anxiety, they look to land it on everyone by complaining, becoming demanding, irritable and blaming. L did her best to steer clear. The weeks before the relative passed away were rough.
About a month after the death, L received a letter, a diatribe that went on for many pages blaming her for everything for several decades, ( there is the clue: when someone comes out of the gate, heightened with both barrels blazing, it is about their need to land their unregulated feeling on someone; sometimes anyone who will take it ). It is a tantrum, not a communication directed at resolving or healing a problem.  It was a destructive, thing to do. L told me and what do you think my suggestion was ? Delete the letter and
 GIVE IT NO POWER..it is not about you.

Some years earlier, L told me her sister had lashed out at her irrationally. L called her on it and tried to discuss it. Her sister was blaming and nasty. L stopped her efforts to communicate. A week later, L ran into her sister. Her sister hugged her and tearfully cried and said, 'she was sorry, she didn't know what came over her.' L replied,  "That's the problem, you never know what comes over you but then it comes over me, over and over and over again."

SKILLS:
Look at the dynamic:

1) What are you trying to get ?

2) What is the other person capable of giving ?

( FYI: When I ask clients to do this, they often report back that the person behaving a certain way towards them also treats others in a similar manner. It helps to not take something personally when you really observe how someone behaves. You definitely need to hear your own inner voice; validate and trust your own experience without this but when it is widespread, it is sometimes helpful to see your perception supported.

On a scale of 1-10, see how high the person starts out. Everyone has their own inner life that they are bringing to the equation. Don't automatically take it on. GIVE IT NO POWER.

TAKE YOUR SPACE WITH GRACE by seeing where you really are inside in relation to what and who is taking aim at you.

GRACE CAN FEEL LIKE A WEAKNESS ( w/ Rachel Crow )

(featuring Rachel Crow)
WHEN GRACE CAN FEEL LIKE A WEAKNESS                         #2

   When someone offends you by putting you down (oh,that dress is pretty but it makes you look fatter), diminishing your efforts (oh, yeah, I guess it's good, I mean a lot of people run the marathon), denying your feelings (you're being too sensitive), re-writing history ( you never take me out for my birthday. Really ? You have the credit card bills to prove that you have done so many times) and I could go on and on listing slights and cruelties that I and all of you have heard and/or encountered. When these insensitivities are hurled at us, we get hurt, mad, and sad in varying degrees. Some of us are teflon but not many. If you reach inside, how many of you feel fighting mad ? Feel like striking back ? Giving as good as you got ? Being spiteful and getting revenge? I'll show them.

    The energy given by the offender has the effect of making you feel less and maybe you want to gain power and not feel weak by letting someone get away with it so you sling trash back and slug it out at that level. You wanna win and get the upper hand. That is one approach.

    What is power ? As defined, power is the ability to produce an effect, the ability to produce a desired effect without resistance, ability to cause or prevent an action, the discretion to act or not. Developing your inner connection in which you:

1) SLOW IT DOWN

2) THINK/FEEL

3) CHOOSE

will give you the power to not be set off like a firecracker when another person is in the mood to ignite you. It allows you to choose an action and not be jerked around by someone releasing their tension and unmoored feelings all over you. You have the skill to decide to act or not and in what style.

YOU CAN REALLY TELL SOMEONE WHERE TO GET OFF WITHOUT GOING OFF.
Knowing to step away is a strength not a weakness.

THE NEW YORKER - Robert Mankoff
( it's almost polite but not quite)

DIRECT APPROACH

Say it straight and represent your experience. Keep the tone simple and factual.

Regarding the marathon comment: 'You guess, it's good ? It was great. I trained very hard for the marathon and it took so much discipline and endurance and I feel like I accomplished a lot by doing it. It would be great for me if you could appreciate that. I'd love that.'

EXPERIENTIAL APPROACH

If someone is treating you in a certain way you can remove yourself. For example, a colleague is complaining or yelling and you have asked them not to. Simply put your coat on and tell them you are going for a walk..yelling does not work for you. If they question it, say: IF YOU SHOUT, I'M OUT..IF YOU STAY CALM AND JUST SAY, I'LL STAY.
You change the experience by not participating at the level they set.
YOU RE-SET and change the style. You are not avoiding the content to be discussed. You are choosing not to enter what they have set up and declining to be part of their system. You wanna shout, shout by yourself, I'm not participating but I will communicate on mutual terms. Let's figure those out.

Childhood is a blueprint for how we treat each other. This is where being unkind and not allowing one another to be their true individual selves starts and can get stuck Thank goodness it is mutable and we have the power to make changes. Childhood behaviors are not imbedded in concrete..you get to decide what to keep and what to let go of. This video MEAN GIRLS written by young teenager
RACHEL CROW shows both the direct approach and the experiential approach.
In the teen years, so much that goes on is about competition, judgement and rank.
'Oh, you do thaat ?! '

Someone has to be on top, someone has to be on  the bottom. I regularly hear these dynamics described in adult work environments. Not a week goes by without my hearing about insecure bosses or colleagues doing a number so that they can lift themselves at someone else's expense. The associate asks a question, only to be met with the reply, complete with a wincing face or huffy tone, ' I explained that already.' Honestly, is that level of condescension necessary ?
What is really gained by this show of petty power ?


 MEAN GIRLS by RACHEL CROW
 

" NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO"
                                                                                                     -Eleanor Roosevelt