FUN HOUSE MIRRORS..Bruce Springsteen/ Maya Angelou

_________________________________________________________________
"SO TELL ME WHAT I SEE
WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES
IS THAT YOU BABY
OR JUST A BRILLIANT DISGUISE ?" - Bruce Springsteen 


______________________________________________________
Dating can be so confusing. The task of getting to know someone exposes you to their whole world of emotional wiring. It's kind of like opening a television set and looking at all the connections that make the picture appear, only relationships can be more complicated and a lot more haywire .

When you are dating, you need skills that allow you to experience a realistic picture of who is in front you. Sometimes and all too often, desire warps perceptions like a
FUN HOUSE MIRROR and turns someone into what you want them to be instead of learning about who they really are.



There are so many people with their mind set on marriage from the get-go.


SETTING: PHONE CALL TO SET UP BLIND DATE

                                   MAN
Great, let's meet  at 7 at the cafe..how will I know you?

                                   WOMAN
I'll be wearing a white dress and veil and carrying a bouquet.

'Love is in the eye of the beholder' and the beholder reworks  a 'sow's ear into a silk purse' when the desire for a silk purse is overwhelmingly strong.
I have seen people deny a date's drinking problems, gambling problems, raging ' yes,but only sometimes', and easily minimize the extent of potential trouble. I have tried to help people underline or illuminate some of this murky vision because the best protection in discovering who someone is, is staying present and being honest with yourself. It does not mean you should or have to step away from someone but it's wise to be clear about what you are stepping into.

*************************

WOMAN: I am so happy, I have exactly what I want in a boyfriend, the strong silent type.

after awhile....

WOMAN: He never talks, he is silent all the time, I'm so lonely.

*************************

Of course, the opposite can also true; fear turns a 'silk purse into a sow's ear' by amplifying a criticism to a major pitch. A minor flaw becomes a major deficit; he's too tall, too short, doesn't exercise, exercises too much, she is too this, too that, went to the wrong college, didn't go to college, has too much education, etc., etc, etc. These things may really be a problem but sometimes you enlarge differences to be deal breakers so that you can run away from the vulnerability of revealing yourself. I would have if he didn't...I could have but she..blah, blah, blah. Distortions can abound when viewed through an emotional lens.


In the realm of dating, to TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE, you need to trust. Trusting your own feelings is essential. A valuable technique to stay in connection with yourself involves listening to your body. Often, your heart and your gut offer physical clues. States like a speedy heart rate, queasiness, tightening, fluttering or anything out of the ordinary that may uplift or cause you to sink are worth sorting through. These responses can be understood and allow you to know what connects and resonates.  Is the person in front of you true;  'what I say I am, I am'. If she tells you she is considerate yet often arrives late without calling, is she ? Do you smile in response, as your chest tightens ? Tune in, not out. What is the chest tightening about ? It may be telling you something important.

Sometimes, people are not clear about what they can and cannot live up to. The expression, 'his eyes are bigger than his stomach' does not necessarily describe someone who intentionally deceives but rather someone who does not know themselves well enough to present a truth. I have often heard romantic regrets voiced as, ' I didn't know.' I didn't know does not produce easy grace, knowing does.

"WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER."  - Maya Angelou

And then sometimes someone does deceive because they want what they want, when they want it and does not possess the skills or heart to act for another's welfare.






As words and behaviors do or don't match up, you can come to know and depend on certain patterns.  Reliability, good and bad,  becomes clear over time, not in a minute. You can have a hunch and good intuition pretty quickly but a healthy dependency becomes solid through accumulated experience. And presence of mind and spirt protects and keeps your view clear.


CASE:
If you are dating for awhile but you don't feel ready to move forward but feel that you will be in time, be true to that.
Lily had a breakup a year and half ago and when she finally met an interesting new person, she instantly felt pressure and responsibility to put this person's needs ahead of her own. This was emblematic of her last romance and made Lily want to bolt as her fight or flight instinct kicked in. She was just scared of losing herself again.  Lily practiced taking space with grace  by stepping forward with her own desires.  She didn't dominate and he didn't dominate. She stated clearly that 'she wanted to take it but take it slow.'

______________________________________________
WHAT TO DO TO TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE ?


IN THE WORDS OF MAYA ANGELOU:

" The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

1- Pay attention..wake up.

2-Sort through your desire and see how they match up with the facts in front of you.

3- Watch and interact over time and become aware of patterns.

4-Don't pretend.

5- Listen to your body and your mind.

6- Pace yourself, don't rush.



BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "BRILLANT DISGUISE"

GRACE UNDER DATING FIRE w/WOODY ALLEN

Ever feel like this ?
"I like him/her but not that way. What should I do ? 'I don't know what to say','I don't want to hurt someone's feelings', 'I know how bad I feel when someone rejects me', 'I feel awful when someone wants something from me that I can't or don't want to give','it's so uncomfortable'.

And of course, there is the other side of this coin;
' I call him/her and I think they are not going to get back to me and then a few days later they do and I can't tell if he/she is nervous or it's bad timing. I think there could be something good and I don't know what to do because I'm attracted. I'm confused. He/she calls back; why would they call back and accept another date at all if they are not interested ?'

Being direct with feelings can feel too vulnerable when you take a position and the other person comes back with a completely different take. We are all creatures wired for connection and when our point of view isn't met with agreement, our separate stance can feel to varying degrees rejecting and lonely. And who wants to feel that ?

HOW DO YOU TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE IN THE WORLD OF DATING ?

**************************************************************

Offering a clear communication causes less confusion and pain. People receive the news directly and simply; a quick pull off of the band aid. This allows them to get over it and move on versus the shuffling, prolonged, confusing, ambivalent (yes-no) scenario which will not be leading to 'a happily ever after' anyway. Being on the receiving end of a yes/no when you have a stake and a prayer for a yes from someone creates awful anxiety. It prolongs the rejection. Ironically, avoiding saying no to spare someone's feelings, more often than not hurts their feelings more as they stay invested in hope longer. It may seem unkind to say no but an inevitable no is best said early on.

WHAT TO SAY ?

If you are not interested in someone, perhaps some of these lines will be useful:

1) For whatever reason, I don't feel what I need to feel.

2) I do not want to pursue a relationship.

3) This isn't a match for me.

Begin with something constructive and positive if you can:

1) I so appreciate your kindness, however..

2) I have enjoyed talking with you, though..

3) Thank you so much for this lovely evening...

 DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL & THE OTHER PERSON IS AT A YES ?

*************************************************************************

Finding a relationship is an extended interview, a long conversation in words and behavior. You listen over time to what someone is really saying and you watch how their behavior matches. Trust is built as you see someone keeping their word and following through with action. I will do this for you and they do. What they say they are, they are.  For some, an intuitive sense of knowing is strong so they proceed pretty quickly with a yes. For others, they  have positive feelings but proceed with more caution and feel tentative for awhile waiting to see more of the facets and layers of the relationship prism.

SUSAN:

Susan started dating Matt a few months after a break-up so she was still pretty vulnerable. After a few weeks, Matt seriously felt Susan was someone worth his while for the long haul. Susan began to feel uncomfortable knowing that she was interested but did not match Matt's enthusiasm. She would accept a date with a full yes because she did like him but when Matt reached for her arm she moved back with a physically lukewarm reply. Susan was giving mixed signals which is alienating to the other person and interferes with  figuring out if you both have something worth putting time into.
After a couple of weeks of two steps forward, one step back which Susan was doing in order to spare Matt from liking her too much, they were walking home from dinner in an awkward silence filled with
those inner date dialogues about 'what is really going on here'. ( see Woody Allen clip from ANNIE HALL below)
When they arrived at Susan's front door, Susan made small talk and Matt was feeling rejected/dejected.
As he said goodnight with a weird peck on her lips, Susan tightened up but guilt propelled her toward a kinder parting; " I like you, Matt and I think there is something here, it's just that I'm not ready for this
timing wise but I could be if you could hang in with me and I can't promise but if you are willing, we can see what we could have." That was the truth and rather than acting it out in dribs and drabs, it was in full view and a choice could be made based on the reality.

Oh, what happened with Susan and Matt ?

Matt....hung in and a few months later, the relationship turned a corner toward the real deal. It could have easily ended that night had Susan not taken the risk to take space with grace. Susan wanted to take it but she wanted to take it slow and she said so and in this case it worked out well.

INNER DATE DIALOGUE  ( 'what is really going on here ') by Woody Allen with Diane Keaton

Sometimes it just helps to say what you feel and get it on the table.