GRACELESS w/John Travolta

This is what not TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE looks like...

I thought it would be fun and useful to see a young John Travolta from the movie, SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, to illustrate what it looks like when people keep shutting one another down which is, of course, the opposite of TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE.

Everyone ends up hurt and angry which is good for drama, where you want a lot of conflict  but it is exhausting in real life to be off wavelength and have no skills to find some common meeting ground to connect. It 's very lonely. No one gets you.

TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE: AN INTRO

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TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE is a style you can develop. It requires a set of skills that each of us needs in order to get along with one other in our personal and professional worlds. There are no two brains in perfect sync and sooner or later, inevitably you will face conflicts and disagreements both large and small.  Developing a style to be authentically expressive and effective in a positive way is simple to understand as an idea but often not simple to implement; sometimes you just want to scream and stamp your feet.  We are human and everyone gets pushed too far sometimes.
TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE is a place where I will offer anecdotes, case studies, photos, film clips, humor and whatever works to help you see yourself and find your way to the skills that can bring more ease to the way you present your viewpoints. You probably tell your kids or have heard people say to them; 'use your words, not your hands to say what you want to say.' I will offer a guide to techniques to help you develop and form your voice and behavior to express your personal power with grace

I DEFINE GRACE AS KINDNESS AND COURTESY; giving room to yourself and to another.
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Have you ever been in a situation where someone says something to you and you want to respond but don’t ? You might have some words in mind but feel, ‘I can’t say that, “, ‘it’s not worth it, they won’t get it anyway,’ they’ll be mad at me’, I don’t want to create a problem,’ it’ not that important’, they didn’t mean it’, it doesn’t matter,’ I don’t know why it’s bothering me anyway,’ maybe there is something wrong with me for being bothered’ ? Anything sound familiar yet ?

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 I often meet with these really bright, verbal individuals who will share an interaction in their lives which bumps them uncomfortably and they look up at me and ask, ‘what could I have said ? They often have no clue, they are tongue- tied.

Making corrections, inserting your personal take and point of view can feel too risky, maybe too confrontational and most people have too little practice in doing it and it becomes like an un-oiled door; squeaky, creaky and too tight to move with ease. 

Many times, people are genuinely at a loss in the face of an interaction that requires them to make an adjustment.  Saying something so simple for which the basis is; I like this or don’t I like this, becomes elusive and threatening. Maybe you will be met with rejection.

FEAR OF REJECTION IS A BIG HURDLE TO GET OVER. So much so that your inner tuning fork gets switched all around and your own truth can become far out of your reach. Expressing the simplest feeling is not simple when you are afraid.

Imagine you recognize your own take on something as well as the conflicting take on it and both people can exist right in the same experience.  No one has to be wrong; you just see things differently.
That would be nice, wouldn't it ?

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 FIRST, to take space with grace, an individual needs to make space to hear their own truth without judgment.  You hear it as a fact.  This works for me or this does not work for me. I like it or I don’t like it. 

Your friend asks if you would like to have Japanese food for dinner and she suggests a nice restaurant a few blocks away.

You aren’t in the mood for  Japanese food ( FACT)  and/or the restaurant is too expensive for your budget (FACT )  but you smile lightly and don’t counter the suggestion because you feel embarrassed about mentioning the cost. You know, you don’t want to go there ( FACT) but you go along. Right in that moment you abandon yourself, your own desire.

Think of a few things you can say:

1) Can we think of another place that has..... ?

2) Ask: What is the next best thing you are in the mood to eat for dinner ?

3) Perhaps we could (you are looking for common ground and a compromise). That is the goal.

Here are some things to try and locate that would lead you to lose your voice:

LOOK AT YOUR TRAINING:

1- You don’t want to displease someone for fear of them rejecting you.

2 – You fear conflict.

3 – You are completely unused to speaking up and feel impolite.

CREATING THE DYNAMIC:

4 – You have a habit of going along and feeling angry or misused later.

5-  If someone cared enough, they would know how you feel; ‘no one cares about me.’   

6- She is so selfish, she always does what she wants and this keeps you resentful.


The first step to not abandoning your own desire is to give yourself the grace to see what you are bringing to the interaction that contributes to it going so far from what you really want. You are the instrument and you have to get in tune.