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GIVE IT NO POWER- TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE
In the last post, I ended with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt-
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"NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO."
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This may be a true statement in theory and in practice for many but no matter how developed and advanced a person becomes in their awareness, no one is made of stone. We are human and as human beings we are all porous, we are all vulnerable. Things get to us and hurtful actions and words sting. When someone goes to club us, we feel hit. When someone behaves out of balance with their own grace (kindness) and strikes a blow, it helps to locate their limitation and figure out what is really going on. It helps to know that it is their inability to regulate their emotions and their weakness in communication that leads them to strike a low blow. WHEN YOU GET A HURTFUL MESSAGE, YOU NEED TO SEE WHO THE MESSENGER IS.
If life is going well for you with a job, friends, things that are important to you, you may be less vulnerable and more resilient and capable of pushing a hit off quickly. If you are not feeling fortified and resilient, what can you do to get yourself there ? I propose practicing the the skill:
**** GIVE IT NO POWER.*******************************************
Some years ago, I walked into my building and saw a neighbor who I knew only in passing. She was sitting slouched over on the steps, had her head in her hands and was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she was okay and that she didn't want to talk about it but then I quickly heard the dreary details. Her boss was continually critical. If the boss felt or experienced an emotion, she would just spew it out all over her office staff. My neighbor felt she had no recourse because she needed the job as a single parent. She had applied for a transfer but found out that day that she didn't get it though she could keep that pursuit active; she was distraught. I might add that she had a tenured postion and was not in jeopardy of losing her job.
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If you are stuck in a bad situation, you have to focus strong and hard on your own reactions, your own inner narrative, meaning, how you talk to yourself about what is happening on the outside.
My neighbor's narrative was heavily focused on being enraged, wanting to fight back and being helpless to do so in any interactions. She was very engaged in how unfair it was to always be judged as unpleasing ( and it was ).
One clue that the emotion coming at you is not about you is the level of extreme heat being heaped at you. If the boss is in attack mode from the get go, this is about her anxiety. There are appropriate ways to present displeasure, criticism, corrections without coming out with both barrels blazing. The content may have some validity; maybe you were late a couple of mornings last week or your reports need more detail. Those things are easily corrected; they are not a catastrophe.
I came to know my neighbor as someone who was nervous and anxious by nature and took things hard. Her narrative was that she had to do everything right and be pleasing. This inner mandate was impossible because she was interacting with a boss who had an inner narrative or mandate which was the opposite; everything from the outside is a disappointment to me.
THIS IS A NO WIN DYNAMIC !!
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She was giving the boss the power to tell her she was unpleasing and this sent her into despair. Once she woke up to the fact that the boss had to tell everyone they were displeasing, she didn't take the criticism quite so hard. If someone cannot give, they cannot give.
In other words, if you want someone who is tone deaf to sing a song in tune and you keep wanting it to happen so that you can feel good and won't give it up, you will be in a hopeless situation.
THE PERSON CANNOT SING. You are asking someone else to make you feel good but they are not capable of giving it to you.
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NEIGHBOR VERSUS BOSS
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Neighbor wants to please the boss Boss allows no one to please her
Neighbor gives power to define her Boss not capable of good response
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DESIRE VERSUS REALITY
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I WANT YOU TO SING I CAN NEVER SING
I WANT MY COW TO FLY COWS CANNOT FLY
**NOW look for something you try to get that may be impossible..think about it.
A dear friend of mine, L, comes from the family from hell..no really! One of our mutual friends called L's family, a casting call for cuckoo's nest. Okay, so they were difficult and out of control when jazzed up which didn't take much. Though a few years ago, there was a horrendous situation when someone close to L was dying. It was a long, decline and since several of her family have panic/anxiety disorders, everything became catastrophized. And by this I mean on a scale of 1 through 10, crisis' large and small got bumped up to a 10 at the speed of light. Since L's family has so much anxiety, they look to land it on everyone by complaining, becoming demanding, irritable and blaming. L did her best to steer clear. The weeks before the relative passed away were rough.
About a month after the death, L received a letter, a diatribe that went on for many pages blaming her for everything for several decades, ( there is the clue: when someone comes out of the gate, heightened with both barrels blazing, it is about their need to land their unregulated feeling on someone; sometimes anyone who will take it ). It is a tantrum, not a communication directed at resolving or healing a problem. It was a destructive, thing to do. L told me and what do you think my suggestion was ? Delete the letter and
GIVE IT NO POWER..it is not about you.
Some years earlier, L told me her sister had lashed out at her irrationally. L called her on it and tried to discuss it. Her sister was blaming and nasty. L stopped her efforts to communicate. A week later, L ran into her sister. Her sister hugged her and tearfully cried and said, 'she was sorry, she didn't know what came over her.' L replied, "That's the problem, you never know what comes over you but then it comes over me, over and over and over again."
SKILLS:
Look at the dynamic:
1) What are you trying to get ?
2) What is the other person capable of giving ?
( FYI: When I ask clients to do this, they often report back that the person behaving a certain way towards them also treats others in a similar manner. It helps to not take something personally when you really observe how someone behaves. You definitely need to hear your own inner voice; validate and trust your own experience without this but when it is widespread, it is sometimes helpful to see your perception supported.
On a scale of 1-10, see how high the person starts out. Everyone has their own inner life that they are bringing to the equation. Don't automatically take it on. GIVE IT NO POWER.
TAKE YOUR SPACE WITH GRACE by seeing where you really are inside in relation to what and who is taking aim at you.
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