A GRACEFUL THOUGHT ON BOUNDARIES

*****************************************

**********************************

FUN HOUSE MIRRORS..Bruce Springsteen/ Maya Angelou

_________________________________________________________________
"SO TELL ME WHAT I SEE
WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES
IS THAT YOU BABY
OR JUST A BRILLIANT DISGUISE ?" - Bruce Springsteen 


______________________________________________________
Dating can be so confusing. The task of getting to know someone exposes you to their whole world of emotional wiring. It's kind of like opening a television set and looking at all the connections that make the picture appear, only relationships can be more complicated and a lot more haywire .

When you are dating, you need skills that allow you to experience a realistic picture of who is in front you. Sometimes and all too often, desire warps perceptions like a
FUN HOUSE MIRROR and turns someone into what you want them to be instead of learning about who they really are.



There are so many people with their mind set on marriage from the get-go.


SETTING: PHONE CALL TO SET UP BLIND DATE

                                   MAN
Great, let's meet  at 7 at the cafe..how will I know you?

                                   WOMAN
I'll be wearing a white dress and veil and carrying a bouquet.

'Love is in the eye of the beholder' and the beholder reworks  a 'sow's ear into a silk purse' when the desire for a silk purse is overwhelmingly strong.
I have seen people deny a date's drinking problems, gambling problems, raging ' yes,but only sometimes', and easily minimize the extent of potential trouble. I have tried to help people underline or illuminate some of this murky vision because the best protection in discovering who someone is, is staying present and being honest with yourself. It does not mean you should or have to step away from someone but it's wise to be clear about what you are stepping into.

*************************

WOMAN: I am so happy, I have exactly what I want in a boyfriend, the strong silent type.

after awhile....

WOMAN: He never talks, he is silent all the time, I'm so lonely.

*************************

Of course, the opposite can also true; fear turns a 'silk purse into a sow's ear' by amplifying a criticism to a major pitch. A minor flaw becomes a major deficit; he's too tall, too short, doesn't exercise, exercises too much, she is too this, too that, went to the wrong college, didn't go to college, has too much education, etc., etc, etc. These things may really be a problem but sometimes you enlarge differences to be deal breakers so that you can run away from the vulnerability of revealing yourself. I would have if he didn't...I could have but she..blah, blah, blah. Distortions can abound when viewed through an emotional lens.


In the realm of dating, to TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE, you need to trust. Trusting your own feelings is essential. A valuable technique to stay in connection with yourself involves listening to your body. Often, your heart and your gut offer physical clues. States like a speedy heart rate, queasiness, tightening, fluttering or anything out of the ordinary that may uplift or cause you to sink are worth sorting through. These responses can be understood and allow you to know what connects and resonates.  Is the person in front of you true;  'what I say I am, I am'. If she tells you she is considerate yet often arrives late without calling, is she ? Do you smile in response, as your chest tightens ? Tune in, not out. What is the chest tightening about ? It may be telling you something important.

Sometimes, people are not clear about what they can and cannot live up to. The expression, 'his eyes are bigger than his stomach' does not necessarily describe someone who intentionally deceives but rather someone who does not know themselves well enough to present a truth. I have often heard romantic regrets voiced as, ' I didn't know.' I didn't know does not produce easy grace, knowing does.

"WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER."  - Maya Angelou

And then sometimes someone does deceive because they want what they want, when they want it and does not possess the skills or heart to act for another's welfare.






As words and behaviors do or don't match up, you can come to know and depend on certain patterns.  Reliability, good and bad,  becomes clear over time, not in a minute. You can have a hunch and good intuition pretty quickly but a healthy dependency becomes solid through accumulated experience. And presence of mind and spirt protects and keeps your view clear.


CASE:
If you are dating for awhile but you don't feel ready to move forward but feel that you will be in time, be true to that.
Lily had a breakup a year and half ago and when she finally met an interesting new person, she instantly felt pressure and responsibility to put this person's needs ahead of her own. This was emblematic of her last romance and made Lily want to bolt as her fight or flight instinct kicked in. She was just scared of losing herself again.  Lily practiced taking space with grace  by stepping forward with her own desires.  She didn't dominate and he didn't dominate. She stated clearly that 'she wanted to take it but take it slow.'

______________________________________________
WHAT TO DO TO TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE ?


IN THE WORDS OF MAYA ANGELOU:

" The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

1- Pay attention..wake up.

2-Sort through your desire and see how they match up with the facts in front of you.

3- Watch and interact over time and become aware of patterns.

4-Don't pretend.

5- Listen to your body and your mind.

6- Pace yourself, don't rush.



BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "BRILLANT DISGUISE"

GRACE UNDER DATING FIRE w/WOODY ALLEN

Ever feel like this ?
"I like him/her but not that way. What should I do ? 'I don't know what to say','I don't want to hurt someone's feelings', 'I know how bad I feel when someone rejects me', 'I feel awful when someone wants something from me that I can't or don't want to give','it's so uncomfortable'.

And of course, there is the other side of this coin;
' I call him/her and I think they are not going to get back to me and then a few days later they do and I can't tell if he/she is nervous or it's bad timing. I think there could be something good and I don't know what to do because I'm attracted. I'm confused. He/she calls back; why would they call back and accept another date at all if they are not interested ?'

Being direct with feelings can feel too vulnerable when you take a position and the other person comes back with a completely different take. We are all creatures wired for connection and when our point of view isn't met with agreement, our separate stance can feel to varying degrees rejecting and lonely. And who wants to feel that ?

HOW DO YOU TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE IN THE WORLD OF DATING ?

**************************************************************

Offering a clear communication causes less confusion and pain. People receive the news directly and simply; a quick pull off of the band aid. This allows them to get over it and move on versus the shuffling, prolonged, confusing, ambivalent (yes-no) scenario which will not be leading to 'a happily ever after' anyway. Being on the receiving end of a yes/no when you have a stake and a prayer for a yes from someone creates awful anxiety. It prolongs the rejection. Ironically, avoiding saying no to spare someone's feelings, more often than not hurts their feelings more as they stay invested in hope longer. It may seem unkind to say no but an inevitable no is best said early on.

WHAT TO SAY ?

If you are not interested in someone, perhaps some of these lines will be useful:

1) For whatever reason, I don't feel what I need to feel.

2) I do not want to pursue a relationship.

3) This isn't a match for me.

Begin with something constructive and positive if you can:

1) I so appreciate your kindness, however..

2) I have enjoyed talking with you, though..

3) Thank you so much for this lovely evening...

 DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL & THE OTHER PERSON IS AT A YES ?

*************************************************************************

Finding a relationship is an extended interview, a long conversation in words and behavior. You listen over time to what someone is really saying and you watch how their behavior matches. Trust is built as you see someone keeping their word and following through with action. I will do this for you and they do. What they say they are, they are.  For some, an intuitive sense of knowing is strong so they proceed pretty quickly with a yes. For others, they  have positive feelings but proceed with more caution and feel tentative for awhile waiting to see more of the facets and layers of the relationship prism.

SUSAN:

Susan started dating Matt a few months after a break-up so she was still pretty vulnerable. After a few weeks, Matt seriously felt Susan was someone worth his while for the long haul. Susan began to feel uncomfortable knowing that she was interested but did not match Matt's enthusiasm. She would accept a date with a full yes because she did like him but when Matt reached for her arm she moved back with a physically lukewarm reply. Susan was giving mixed signals which is alienating to the other person and interferes with  figuring out if you both have something worth putting time into.
After a couple of weeks of two steps forward, one step back which Susan was doing in order to spare Matt from liking her too much, they were walking home from dinner in an awkward silence filled with
those inner date dialogues about 'what is really going on here'. ( see Woody Allen clip from ANNIE HALL below)
When they arrived at Susan's front door, Susan made small talk and Matt was feeling rejected/dejected.
As he said goodnight with a weird peck on her lips, Susan tightened up but guilt propelled her toward a kinder parting; " I like you, Matt and I think there is something here, it's just that I'm not ready for this
timing wise but I could be if you could hang in with me and I can't promise but if you are willing, we can see what we could have." That was the truth and rather than acting it out in dribs and drabs, it was in full view and a choice could be made based on the reality.

Oh, what happened with Susan and Matt ?

Matt....hung in and a few months later, the relationship turned a corner toward the real deal. It could have easily ended that night had Susan not taken the risk to take space with grace. Susan wanted to take it but she wanted to take it slow and she said so and in this case it worked out well.

INNER DATE DIALOGUE  ( 'what is really going on here ') by Woody Allen with Diane Keaton

Sometimes it just helps to say what you feel and get it on the table.                                                          

 

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS -w/ HOLLY HUNTER

                                                                           The New Yorker
**************
________________________________________________

It's that time of year again when you may choose or be obligated to be in close proximity to family.  Which brings me to the concept of obligation versus inspiration. A large part of the stress that people feel this time of year has to do with the feeling of HAVE TO rather than WANT TO.
I have to go home, I have to buy twenty two presents; that's how it's always done, I have to eat all the food my family makes or they are hurt; even if it's like being in FOOD PRISON. Quite often, these  'requests' that are to be met make it difficult to meet what you really want for yourself. Rather than scream or clobber someone out of the mounting frustration of demands, be pro-active and choose some things to do in the midst of observing your holiday traditions that inspire or at least get you further away from feeling dutiful and acted upon.
 ____________________________________________________________
*************************************************************
But first a clip from the film, HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. My favorite section is at 50 and involves an exchanged glance. What speaks to you ?

************************************************************
Okay, so back to requirements:
If you are participating in events because you feel you have to ( obligation), think about what kind of experiences you would enjoy even as you encounter dominant forces like Granny,your parents and miscellaneous folks who only want you to do things their way. Finding a way to connect to your own want and then using it to join, will give you a better chance to feel inspired because there will be pleasure and engagement for you rather than tolerating a situation.
Here are some possibilities for taking care of yourself as you are also
TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE.

 CONNECT WITH OTHERS: FIND AN ACTIVITY THAT YOU ENJOY AND SHARE IT

1) Bring activities you like; make some art..a poster, cards or bake a cake or teach someone to knit, bring a favorite book you can share like a book of cartoons, photographs, a guide to a country you love and have or want to visit.

2) Find out ahead of time if anyone is coming or is in town who has a similar interests. Plan a meeting or activity. This is something to look forward to.

3) If your family watches a movie; can you bring one or weigh in on suggestions.

4) Be the family photographer. You can be there but you don't have to get into detailed conversation if you would prefer not to.

5) Find an event that you can attend solo or with a kid or some other family member.


CONNECTING TO YOURSELF: TO REPLENISH AND RESTORE

1) Bring a project either personal or work. Excuse yourself and move into another room or a local coffee shop so that you can carve out time where you are not relating to others. This project can be anything that speaks to your well-being and you don't have to explain and justify this to anyone.

2) Exercise to maintain a health routine. If someone complains..simply state..'I have to do this for my health; I'll definitely be with you later', (subtitle: I'm doing this so back off but done with grace)

3) Can you bring someone with you that is a buffer if you are entering a difficult situation. Sometimes this can diffuse problems and keep people on better behavior.

4) Go for walks.

5) Take breaks and listen to music you like.

TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE WITH MORE EASE BY LOCATING WAYS TO FEEL COMFORT, FUN AND SATISFACTIONS THAT ENGAGE YOU AND THEN SHARE WHAT WORKS. 

P.S. If nothing works to connect and you feel inside yourself the need to scream..please do. Find a private place or call a friend who gets it and validate an authentic moment or watch this and know you are not alone.

*************************************************************
BAA HUMBUG (sort of)

****************************************************************************

P.S.S  Read my post SPACE INVADERS so that you can identify many personality types that you may be faced with managing like Guilters, Pushers, Twisted Heads and Blamers.

IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO SUBMIT QUESTIONS, PLEASE DO. I'LL BRAINSTORM WITH YOU.


****************************************************************************
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND GOODWILL TOWARD MEN AND WOMEN
****************************************************************************

SPACE INVADERS -w/Michael Jackson/Ella Fitzgerald

Ever notice how difficult it is for people to let you stay in your space and just be who you are when you  have a difference with them  ?
__________________________________________________________________

                                                                                                    The New Yorker - Peter Steiner

You're sitting in a restaurant waiting for your food to be served, everyone is nibbling rolls and you aren't..someone says, 'you can have one.' You say, 'thanks but, I don't want any, I'll wait for dinner.' Sometimes you hear responses like; 'you don't have to deprive yourself.'  'one won't hurt you,' 'you can have one every once in a while.'
Funny, how people become 'food pushers,' when they have a crust or two hanging off their own lip, not that there is anything wrong with that, FOR THEM.
However, if you reach into your own inner space, you find that, you don't feel deprived when you decline a roll. As a matter of fact you can choose to have one or twenty rolls if you so desire.
You don't need 'space invaders' to try and take your space by pushing you into their choice..

For the above dynamic, try and substitute clothing purchases;' oh, you can buy that !!
                                                             or
Cutting out of work early when someone else wants you to...'It's only one day.'

Home decorating..'you're putting that there ?'  This said, as you are pounding the nail into the wall.

These are examples of the casual, common undermining of being YOU when someone wants you to be THEM.

WHY SPACE INVADERS EXIST:

Space invaders exist because people have trouble being in their emotional space alone..so they press you to join them.

Space invaders are people who want to be validated and therefore when you have a separate desire or action, they feel invalidated which creates discomfort for them. To alleviate their discomfort, they pressure you to agree (validation) and participate  (merge) with their desire or action which eliminates their separateness/aloneness (validates them) and decreases their discomfort until the next difference appears.
They push on you, not because you are choosing incorrectly but because they cannot tolerate the space between their choice and your choice.  They cannot trust their own choices and tolerate their own feelings.

SPACE INVADERS are everywhere on this planet; in your state, in your neighborhood and even in your very own home.

BEHAVIOR STYLES***************** 

THE PUSHERS

Here is a quick example of what I mean in this morning conversation between my friend, DEV and his girlfriend, JULIE.

SETTING: Kitchen, Sunday morning, New York City, 2012

                                                JULIE

                              Want a walnut muffin ?

Dev is reading the paper. He looks up.

                                                DEV

                               No thanks.

Thirty seconds later..

                                                JULIE

                               How about half a walnut muffin ?

                                                DEV
                               No, thanks.

Twenty seconds later…

                                                JULIE

                              How ‘bout half a muffin with jam ?

                                                DEV

                              Uh, uh, no thanks.

Ten seconds…

                                                JULIE

  Let me give you half a walnut muffin with butter..how about with  butter ?

Dev looks up from the paper.

                                                DEV

      No, thanks..I  just don’t want anything now.

                        JULIE

      Okay.

Few seconds…

                                                JULIE

                             Are you sure…it’s reeally good ?

Dev stands up and throws the paper down.

                                                DEV

      I don’t want a muffin..I don’t want a half a muffin,  I don’t want a muffin with
      butter, I don’t want a muffin with  jam… I DON’T WANT A MUFFIN !!!!!! I
      don't want a muffin !!!!

Dev cries in frustration and pulls at his hair, the only thing he can re-arrange since his replies seemed to have no effect on Julie's locomotion.
                                                 JULIE
                             Okay,okay, fine, don't have a muffin.


*QUIZ: Did Dev want a walnut muffin ?

 TWISTED HEADS
I do not take direct responsibility for what I want rather 'I am doing it as a favor to you'

*here is your laundry :

My friend lives in an apartment building with staff. Recently, the porter brought her laundry to the door. He took all of her clothes out of the dryer and brought them to her, an hour before the laundry closed with the explanation that he didn't want anyone to take them. Though the truth was that he wanted to leave early again.

( Ah, I want to handle my own laundry)

*about your birthday:

A friend says: "Let's celebrate your birthday on Sunday..it's a more relaxing day for you.'

(Ah, how about asking the birthday person what they want ?)

*on the phone:

I'm going to let you go.

(Ah, but I don't want to go yet )

THE BLAMERS or you are wrong when you don't do it my way..it's your fault

*If it were me, I would have paid for the cab.

(Well, it's not you, it's me and I chose not to pay for the cab.)

*I wouldn't have said mean things to you if you had arrived on time.

( I would not, if you did not..you are responsible for the reaction I chose )

                                               The New Yorker-William Haefeli

THE GUILTERS

*'I would do it for you.'
( Ah, that's nice)

                   * 'I never hear from you.'
                    (Ah, you just did, I called you )

                        *' I can't believe you feel that way.'

    ( Ah, I just told you I feel that way..why can't you believe it ?)

                       * ' I don't know anyone who feels that way.'
                            (Ah, now you do.)

                                * 'Don't feel that way.'
                                    ( Ah, but I do.)

This MIKE NICHOLS AND ELAINE MAY SKIT show massive SPACE INVASION where the pressure to be validating, joining, merging is over the top, hilarious. Does this mother invade her son's space ? Have a look and DECIDE FOR YOURSELF.

If you want to stay true to your emotional life, it helps to know the tactics of your fellow travelers who through their own habits and human frailties challenge your positions.
I leave you with an old anthem of self-preservation.

                                          I GOTTA BE ME

                                   

JAW DROPPERS : HOLD YOUR INNER NOSE

Okay, so you encounter unexpected, strange, unfair and even outrageous behavior directed at you. Can you recall any of your responses ? Perhaps your jaw drops, eyes open wide, breath accelerates, body gets hot with a cortisol or adrenalin rush ( the stress hormones). You are taken aback and don't quite know how to formulate a response.

ALWAYS, Remember the skills, SLOW DOWN, THINK/FEEL, CHOOSE.

Below, I will give scenarios which I call JAW DROPPERS and then the skill necessary to maintain your grace. There are 'little J' jaw droppers and 'BIG J 'jaw droppers and of course, the mini ones, 'mini J's,  that we encounter throughout life all the time.

*************************************************************
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HUH ? :
************************************************************

I first mentioned writing, TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE to a friend as we were having breakfast in a coffee shop. I explained how very bright, expressive individuals would tell me over and over that they didn't know what to say in the face a conflict. "I've got one for you," she said.
Keep in mind that my friend, Jill, has done years of work in individual, group and marital counseling. She has a great life with friends and family, is a very successful parent, a successful professional ( not a therapist)  and just an all-around emotionally sophisticated person. In other words very skilled. Her 'little j' ( though it did not feel so little to her at the time) jaw dropper happened at a holiday dinner which she  hosted in her home.

HERE GOES :  Jill prepared a Christmas dinner which she does almost every year.  She has comfortable, elegant taste and the tables are set with pretty colors and simplicity. This year her brother arrived with his new girlfriend who Jill and her family have socialized with before. After pleasant greetings, Jill went back to preparing something and when she turned around, she saw her brother's girlfriend sprinkling glitter Christmas decorations everywhere over the set tables marking turf much like a canine and fire hydrant.
I asked Jill, " What did you do ? " This is how Jill's face looked ( see below) in response to my question and she said nothing.

                                                             IMDb

She watched her country elegance being turned into a glittery party favor poof and had no clue how to stop it.
Off the cuff, I said, 'How about getting a bowl, scooping the glitter into it and saying, 'these are so bright and pretty, I'd like to put them all together here near the window so that they catch the light and sparkle. '
A few things are happening in this choice. First, you are accepting that 'the girlfriend' brought something she liked and you are not de-valuing the gesture. You are not assuming hostility; yes, she is overstepping her boundary, definitely. No need to reject or humiliate her, just re-direct.


RE-DIRECTING is a major skill. We do it with children all the time. It's not going well in one place for the four year old, you direct his attention elsewhere.
Instead of a confrontation, a rejection, I suggest re-directing to what you want in the least hurtful way possible.

If it is a continual pattern,you might have to have a direct dialogue. Stay positive, 'I appreciate that you bring something to contribute; can we set it up so that it works with what I have planned since I'm hosting the event ?' Ask her what she would like to do ? If she is hurt, simply say, 'I definitely don't want to hurt your feelings, I want to figure out something that works for both of us, I really do.'

                                                     NIH

 If the person is exasperating, you may have to hold your inner nose and not get drawn into anything petty. Keep your eye on the ball; on the goal of grace. You can say it angers you without trying to destroy someone.


TWO SISTERS AND THE BIG,BIG  J 

Background:

An acute turn for the worst in their mother's health and then her subsequent death forced these two sisters into contact after a choppy, unpleasant decade of tensions in which they had seen each other only a handful of times. The older sister (Older) and the younger sister (Younger) had a complicated relationship almost from the start. Older was forced to do surrogate parenting for Younger, a dozen or so years her junior because their mother was always working and also suffered from anxiety and depression. Sometimes Older was very generous and later this seemed to lead her to resentment if she was not in her eyes sufficiently appreciated by Younger. Older offered help through some ambivalence and so there was a:
dynamic sandwich of, yes I want to give and no, I don't want to give but I feel I have to and I am angry and resentful.

As adults, Older was often angry, saying nasty things that alienated Younger. Younger was not heard when she tried to address it, often being met with,
___________________________________________________________________

' I don't remember saying that' or 'You're too sensitive, ' or 'I never said that at all, I would never.' When Y wrote several letters  suggesting going to a counselor to try and process things together, Older never responded. Younger's husband advised her to send a copy of the invitation everyday until Older answered, Younger stopped at  three unanswered letters. Younger stayed away from Older and gradually the parting became a chasm. Older blamed the entire chasm on Younger and refused to acknowledge any part in creating the alienation and estrangement.
Despite this history, they managed to get through their mother's funeral in a calm, pleasant enough manner.

Wait ..there is more ...Challenge to taking space with Grace:

About a month or so after the funeral, Older calls Younger and says that there are some items from Mom's house that she might want. Younger declines. Older says that there are antique glasses from Europe that belonged to Dad's family. Younger says they sound nice but she is fine and doesn't want them. Older persists and Younger says maybe in a while she'll look but she is too tired from all the loss and doesn't want to see them now.
Another month or so goes by and Older calls Younger encouraging her to come by and take a look at the glasses. Younger says that she will and a month later she sets a date. Her partner and a friend offer to go along but Younger says that it will be fine. She is simply stopping by and it will be a short visit.
When Younger arrives at Older's home, Older is pleasant and leads her to a table where she has laid out picked over items. As Younger is looking at the items on the table, she realizes that there are no glasses and says, " I thought there were glasses from Daddy's family?" Older responds in a nasty tone, " I decided to keep them and give them to D ( Older's daughter). HOSTILE AS ALL HELL!

Younger is in a state between shock and dumbfounded. She simply says, " That's not very nice, you called me several times to come over for the glasses." Older, snarls, " Oh, really, that's not very nice ?"
This is the acute moment where Older is highly activated. Younger is really challenged.
Younger does not respond. She lets the heightened moment pass. She continues to look over the items on the table and picks an item that she remembers from her early history; a knick- knack from some shelf. Five minutes pass and without looking up, she addresses Older. " You know, I don't need the glasses but D is not her daughter, I am her daughter and these are part of my legacy; it's about my legacy as her child."
Older says nothing and they talk for a few minutes about their other sister. Younger says , she is leaving now and begins walking to the door.
Older goes into another room, comes back and hands Younger a box. Younger asks, 'What's this ?" Older replies, " The glasses." Younger accepts the glasses, thanks Older and leaves.

                                     Frank Cotham- The New Yorker

Younger chose to not engage with Older because she believed it was hopeless.
Fearing it would be an irrational free for all with decades of rage that Older would start blasting, Younger waited till the heavy emotional activation from Older settled down and then Younger spoke from a truthful place. 
Sadly, these two have never been able to connect on any safe, mutual terms.

FYI- J.K. Rowling and Abe Lincoln were never able to reconcile with their fathers.

SKILL: DO NOT ENGAGE
This is a choice. If you are going to be met with irrational or out of control energy, (what I call,
JAW DROPPER behavior) you can choose not to engage on any level that will agitate or keep it going.
Let it calm and then speak (or not).

SKILL REVIEW:  RE-DIRECT

                                DO NOT ENGAGE

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LAUGHTER-Martine Byer

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LAUGHTER: TRIGGER SHIFTERS

                                                                                                  witbuzz

My friend decided to go on a diet to lose ten pounds. She calls to tell me how she is walking along a city street lined with bakeries and food markets passing them without indulging her usual habit of grabbing an afternoon sweet. She is feeling pleased. A moment after we hang up, she looks at a phone message and  two minutes later she  stands in a deli with a Crumbs cupcake hanging off her lip. “ What the hell triggered this?’ She wants to know.

The word trigger has come to mean that moment when a person experiences some anxiety and almost without realizing it, often ends up  in an activity that they will regret. The dieter overeats, the person who vows to budget is handing their credit card to a cashier, someone who said they would never yell at their kid, is screaming, drinkers drink, everyone has a drug of choice to alter painful tensions. We’ve all been there but how can we not go there again ? What can trigger a person to tame their triggers ?

***********************************

As a psychotherapist, I talk about trouble spots with people, well, all the time.  We go over the same ground, harvesting pain like investigators at an archeological dig. Many times the energy of the trouble calms down and heals when it is shared and named.  When tough feelings arise, there are strategies to learn like taking three deep breaths to give the activated person a moment to think and open a space to make a different choice. There are physical reminders; beads to roll between fingers or squeezing a meridian point like the one between your thumb and pointer finger which gives the good part of the brain a quick signal to relax. I refer to all these methods as ‘trigger shifters’ and  laughing is the quickest, most fun ‘trigger shifter’ of all.

            I have actually begun to custom make comic ‘TRIGGER SHIFTERS' with my clients. It started happening quite naturally. A 28 year old client looking for love often becomes really wound up when she doesn’t hear from ‘him’. She finds herself distracted at her high power job, glancing her mobile phone screen every few minutes. She worries that maybe she did something wrong and yes, this is very much about the insecurity she felt with a judgmental mother who ruled by,’ my way or the highway’ so rejection was always looming over her. We keep applying insight on the wound and it gets better but my client is often seized by desperate feelings triggering.  I bring up Stanley Kowalski , outside his wife’s door, screaming for his  Stella in Tennessee Williams’,

 “A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE”.

My client laughs seeing herself anguished and undone waiting by her phone. “That is the exact feeling, I’m like Stanley.” Between sessions, I suggest when her intense feelings arise, that she imagine that moment in the play A week later, she enters my office and says, “STELLAAA !"and we both laugh. She tells me that she spent the week laughing at the Stanley in her head and shifted away from the agony.  Stella now becomes the smile of recognition for our mutual understanding of what she experiences. I have always loved that play.

           Laughter does good things; it signals the brain toward a new neural pathway that shuts off bad feeling, it unhooks an activated autonomic nervous system so that the jazzed up chemicals of anxiety do not release, it frees the mind and body from fear. It lifts a dark moment and de-stresses the stress.

Silly signals a way out.

*******************************************

            One of my very depressed female clients wakes each morning and the moment consciousness arrives, so do her anxiety scenarios; the bills, the friend who is angry with her, all combinations of  unhappiness awaken.  She loves animal antics and we come up with a way to use that love to lift her moods. Now without missing a beat, she gets out of bed, goes to a comedy animal site on the web and checks in on the daily video. The triggering anxiety is cut off at the pass. By laughing at a cat whining at it’s owner for waking him up or an elephant in love with a dog, her body releases soothing chemicals. This is her new prescription. This practice of starting the day with a laugh and using her  body’s natural chemicals to lift her spirit has led to her reduction of  anxiety medication. She has learned to refuse the morning demons and to say yes to greeting the world with a laugh. As she continues this practice, she is finding that sometimes she has the ability to bring up the silly videos in her mind’s eye in the morning and throughout the day.  She is imprinting a new mechanism in her brain and developing the emotional muscle to retrieve it as needed.

                                                      BuzzFeed

            Another client stuck in bed with a long physical illness, was becoming depressed from the confinement. During phone sessions, we came up with a way for him to combat spiraling into a depression. He ordered in Groucho Marx movies, a series he had always wanted to see. When he recovered, he seemed to focus less on being grouchy from illness and  more on Groucho; ‘the tusks are loose-a’ makes the depression loose-a. Someone once said, “Groucho was sad because he didn’t have a Groucho." Even Groucho needed a ‘trigger shifter.’

                                                                 IMDB

*******************************************

         Something funny can change everything in an instant as it loosens difficulty’s grip. Everyone could use a good laugh and a laugh at the right moment is extremely good for us. It’s the best medicine and it doesn’t require a spoonful of sugar to make it go down because laughter is sweet enough all on it’s own.