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"SO TELL ME WHAT I SEE
WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES
IS THAT YOU BABY
OR JUST A BRILLIANT DISGUISE ?" - Bruce Springsteen
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Dating can be so confusing. The task of getting to know someone exposes you to their whole world of emotional wiring. It's kind of like opening a television set and looking at all the connections that make the picture appear, only relationships can be more complicated and a lot more haywire .
When you are dating, you need skills that allow you to experience a realistic picture of who is in front you. Sometimes and all too often, desire warps perceptions like a
FUN HOUSE MIRROR and turns someone into what you want them to be instead of learning about who they really are.
There are so many people with their mind set on marriage from the get-go.
SETTING: PHONE CALL TO SET UP BLIND DATE
MAN
Great, let's meet at 7 at the cafe..how will I know you?
WOMAN
I'll be wearing a white dress and veil and carrying a bouquet.
'Love is in the eye of the beholder' and the beholder reworks a 'sow's ear into a silk purse' when the desire for a silk purse is overwhelmingly strong.
I have seen people deny a date's drinking problems, gambling problems, raging ' yes,but only sometimes', and easily minimize the extent of potential trouble. I have tried to help people underline or illuminate some of this murky vision because the best protection in discovering who someone is, is staying present and being honest with yourself. It does not mean you should or have to step away from someone but it's wise to be clear about what you are stepping into.
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WOMAN: I am so happy, I have exactly what I want in a boyfriend, the strong silent type.
after awhile....
WOMAN: He never talks, he is silent all the time, I'm so lonely.
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Of course, the opposite can also true; fear turns a 'silk purse into a sow's ear' by amplifying a criticism to a major pitch. A minor flaw becomes a major deficit; he's too tall, too short, doesn't exercise, exercises too much, she is too this, too that, went to the wrong college, didn't go to college, has too much education, etc., etc, etc. These things may really be a problem but sometimes you enlarge differences to be deal breakers so that you can run away from the vulnerability of revealing yourself. I would have if he didn't...I could have but she..blah, blah, blah. Distortions can abound when viewed through an emotional lens.
In the realm of dating, to TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE, you need to trust. Trusting your own feelings is essential. A valuable technique to stay in connection with yourself involves listening to your body. Often, your heart and your gut offer physical clues. States like a speedy heart rate, queasiness, tightening, fluttering or anything out of the ordinary that may uplift or cause you to sink are worth sorting through. These responses can be understood and allow you to know what connects and resonates. Is the person in front of you true; 'what I say I am, I am'. If she tells you she is considerate yet often arrives late without calling, is she ? Do you smile in response, as your chest tightens ? Tune in, not out. What is the chest tightening about ? It may be telling you something important.
Sometimes, people are not clear about what they can and cannot live up to. The expression, 'his eyes are bigger than his stomach' does not necessarily describe someone who intentionally deceives but rather someone who does not know themselves well enough to present a truth. I have often heard romantic regrets voiced as, ' I didn't know.' I didn't know does not produce easy grace, knowing does.
"WHEN YOU KNOW BETTER, YOU DO BETTER." - Maya Angelou
And then sometimes someone does deceive because they want what they want, when they want it and does not possess the skills or heart to act for another's welfare.
As words and behaviors do or don't match up, you can come to know and depend on certain patterns. Reliability, good and bad, becomes clear over time, not in a minute. You can have a hunch and good intuition pretty quickly but a healthy dependency becomes solid through accumulated experience. And presence of mind and spirt protects and keeps your view clear.
CASE:
If you are dating for awhile but you don't feel ready to move forward but feel that you will be in time, be true to that.
Lily had a breakup a year and half ago and when she finally met an interesting new person, she instantly felt pressure and responsibility to put this person's needs ahead of her own. This was emblematic of her last romance and made Lily want to bolt as her fight or flight instinct kicked in. She was just scared of losing herself again. Lily practiced taking space with grace by stepping forward with her own desires. She didn't dominate and he didn't dominate. She stated clearly that 'she wanted to take it but take it slow.'
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WHAT TO DO TO TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE ?
IN THE WORDS OF MAYA ANGELOU:
" The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
1- Pay attention..wake up.
2-Sort through your desire and see how they match up with the facts in front of you.
3- Watch and interact over time and become aware of patterns.
4-Don't pretend.
5- Listen to your body and your mind.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "BRILLANT DISGUISE"
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