It is easy to 'take your space with grace' when your needs are met and you are comfortable and at ease.
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________
Why do so many people feel alone even when they have caring
friends, work colleagues and family ?
You can feel ‘alone in a
crowd’ even in a familiar crowd because
of the lack of WITH-NESS.
WITH-NESS is a specific kind of care. in which you feel someone or
something is accompanying you in your feeling. With-ness has a different
quality than a sweep of empathy or sympathy because it offers the perfect note
of understanding. It can be a blend of the right words, feeling and a touch of
a heart offering or any one of
these elements that feels a lot like music as it captures and
communicates something important and reaches deep inside you. WITH-NESS can
happen in an instant; you just know.
My mother was frantically serving roast chicken and salad at
a family dinner. Everyone was talking over one another. Six energetic people
flailing and shouting and one guest, Larry, a very nice man my father worked
with, was calm and gracious. I was twelve years old and feeling tired because I
was having trouble sleeping. I would sit up for what felt like hours in the
middle of the night talking with our dog, reading, doing art work. I cannot
remember much conversation at the dinner except for one fragment of what I
said, “ I can’t sleep at night.” As the chicken legs were good-naturedly flying,
Larry turned his full attention to hear me, “ Why are you having trouble
sleeping ? Are you worrying ?” He asked.
I don’t remember what I said but that moment when Larry
stepped into my experience, will be with me forever, evidently. I could feel
that he knew my distress. There was a knowing in his eyes and expression and he got it and joined me in a genuine
moment of ‘WITH-NESS’. It was a piece of love that was usable.
Usable love happens when care really beams through and reaches
another person. Beloved pets are ‘beloved’ for this reason. They seem to get us and touch a sweet spot that clicks.
********************************************************
I once raised an eyebrow in a gesture of support to an eight
year old girl in a restaurant vestibule. Her mother was insisting that she put her scarf on, while she protested that
she wasn’t cold. Some people have
different thermometers and it didn’t feel cold to me either and the girl
politely said that she would put her scarf on if she needed it. I didn’t mean to intrude but somewhere in the third or fourth
round of
‘ you have to wear your scarf ‘, my eyebrow got the best of me and it signaled to this girl that I got her experience. As I was leaving she raised her eyebrow at me and smiled.
‘ you have to wear your scarf ‘, my eyebrow got the best of me and it signaled to this girl that I got her experience. As I was leaving she raised her eyebrow at me and smiled.
Some years ago,
I witnessed a friend’s
conversation with her daughter.
Speaking in a hard,
frustrated tone, the mother sputtered,
“ You know I love you!” To which her daughter painfully replied, “ I know you love me but I can never feel you love me.”
Hearing this was rough. This mother and daughter love each other
but the
‘with-ness’ factor was definitely off. This mother was an organized almost cut and dry type while
her daughter was ethereal and artistic. They were moving through the world and
relating on a different wavelength and both of them were hurt and angry because
of all the missed connections. Just because you are blood related, there is no
guarantee that you are cut from the same cloth.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With effort, a weak ‘with-ness’ match can be developed as
you learn enough about the other person to join them in their experience. You
need a willingness to set aside your natural preference and tune in and get specific
with where and how the other person perceives. People often don’t feel you are
with them if they do not feel known . This mother and daughter had a tough
road; they were in a bind; if you don’t really reach me, you don’t know me and
if you don’t know me, who is it you are loving ?
WITHNESS comes about when there is a match; it fits, it’s right.. People commonly crave it especially from romantic relationships, often mainly from romantic relationships and undermine many valuable with-ness moments as they move through their day.
With-ness can also come from things and environments. You
may experience with-ness in nature; as all feels right with the world when
there is a pattern of light on a wall or an exquisite view of the sky or the
ocean.
You cannot force ‘withness’ but you can learn to set your radar to know and receive it.
You can cultivate and practice tuning in and being specific with one another. Of course, no
two brains are in sync and there is no such thing as one hundred percent
with-ness in human relating. In life it is like panning for gold and
experiencing the pleasure a shiny nugget brings.
*********************************************************
NEIL YOUNG- MINER FOR A HEART OF GOLD
With-ness is a human need for specific, fine tuned
connection that is comfortably received. Know what I mean ? Are you with me ?
*********** WITH-NESS !!**************
*********** WITH-NESS !!**************
"Usable love happens when care really beams through and reaches another person." This is true.
ReplyDeleteHi Zaira,
DeleteThanks for posting and picking up on this idea.
I thought about this especially because I see people; friends, partners, family who do in their heart of hearts love each other but can't really connect with the love usually because they do not have the know-how and skills to find that necessary point of entrance into the other person's world. It makes people feel bad and guilty or ungrateful and perplexed.
I really appreciate your taking the time to read and comment; it's 'useable'.
Warm regards, Martine
Loved this blog entry, it has come to me during a time in my life when I really need some "with-ness" and a little grace! The story of the little girl not feeling loved broke my heart, that Mom hopefully realized the difference between saying I love you with just words and actually expressing love with sharing time, emotion, interest and just a hug for no reason!
ReplyDeleteHi Linda,
ReplyDeleteI loved your comments. I'm happy the piece did give you some 'With-ness"..you are not alone in the desire to have that experience of someone tuning into where you are and being accepting and loving.
BTW, that mother and daughter did work on getting closer and though they aren't a terrific natural match, they know and understand each other better instead of letting their anger block good feeling. We can find each other..it can be done. Thanks for finding this blog.
Warm regards, Martine