Ever feel like this ?
"I like him/her but not that way. What should I do ? 'I don't know what to say','I don't want to hurt someone's feelings', 'I know how bad I feel when someone rejects me', 'I feel awful when someone wants something from me that I can't or don't want to give','it's so uncomfortable'.
And of course, there is the other side of this coin;
' I call him/her and I think they are not going to get back to me and then a few days later they do and I can't tell if he/she is nervous or it's bad timing. I think there could be something good and I don't know what to do because I'm attracted. I'm confused. He/she calls back; why would they call back and accept another date at all if they are not interested ?'
Being direct with feelings can feel too vulnerable when you take a position and the other person comes back with a completely different take. We are all creatures wired for connection and when our point of view isn't met with agreement, our separate stance can feel to varying degrees rejecting and lonely. And who wants to feel that ?
HOW DO YOU TAKE SPACE WITH GRACE IN THE WORLD OF DATING ?
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Offering a clear communication causes less confusion and pain. People receive the news directly and simply; a quick pull off of the band aid. This allows them to get over it and move on versus the shuffling, prolonged, confusing, ambivalent (yes-no) scenario which will not be leading to 'a happily ever after' anyway. Being on the receiving end of a yes/no when you have a stake and a prayer for a yes from someone creates awful anxiety. It prolongs the rejection. Ironically, avoiding saying no to spare someone's feelings, more often than not hurts their feelings more as they stay invested in hope longer. It may seem unkind to say no but an inevitable no is best said early on.
WHAT TO SAY ?
If you are not interested in someone, perhaps some of these lines will be useful:
1) For whatever reason, I don't feel what I need to feel.
2) I do not want to pursue a relationship.
3) This isn't a match for me.
Begin with something constructive and positive if you can:
1) I so appreciate your kindness, however..
2) I have enjoyed talking with you, though..
3) Thank you so much for this lovely evening...
DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL & THE OTHER PERSON IS AT A YES ?
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Finding a relationship is an extended interview, a long conversation in words and behavior. You listen over time to what someone is really saying and you watch how their behavior matches. Trust is built as you see someone keeping their word and following through with action. I will do this for you and they do. What they say they are, they are. For some, an intuitive sense of knowing is strong so they proceed pretty quickly with a yes. For others, they have positive feelings but proceed with more caution and feel tentative for awhile waiting to see more of the facets and layers of the relationship prism.
SUSAN:
Susan started dating Matt a few months after a break-up so she was still pretty vulnerable. After a few weeks, Matt seriously felt Susan was someone worth his while for the long haul. Susan began to feel uncomfortable knowing that she was interested but did not match Matt's enthusiasm. She would accept a date with a full yes because she did like him but when Matt reached for her arm she moved back with a physically lukewarm reply. Susan was giving mixed signals which is alienating to the other person and interferes with figuring out if you both have something worth putting time into.
After a couple of weeks of two steps forward, one step back which Susan was doing in order to spare Matt from liking her too much, they were walking home from dinner in an awkward silence filled with
those inner date dialogues about 'what is really going on here'. ( see Woody Allen clip from ANNIE HALL below)
When they arrived at Susan's front door, Susan made small talk and Matt was feeling rejected/dejected.
As he said goodnight with a weird peck on her lips, Susan tightened up but guilt propelled her toward a kinder parting; " I like you, Matt and I think there is something here, it's just that I'm not ready for this
timing wise but I could be if you could hang in with me and I can't promise but if you are willing, we can see what we could have." That was the truth and rather than acting it out in dribs and drabs, it was in full view and a choice could be made based on the reality.
Oh, what happened with Susan and Matt ?
Matt....hung in and a few months later, the relationship turned a corner toward the real deal. It could have easily ended that night had Susan not taken the risk to take space with grace. Susan wanted to take it but she wanted to take it slow and she said so and in this case it worked out well.
INNER DATE DIALOGUE ( 'what is really going on here ') by Woody Allen with Diane Keaton
Sometimes it just helps to say what you feel and get it on the table.
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