JAW DROPPERS : HOLD YOUR INNER NOSE

Okay, so you encounter unexpected, strange, unfair and even outrageous behavior directed at you. Can you recall any of your responses ? Perhaps your jaw drops, eyes open wide, breath accelerates, body gets hot with a cortisol or adrenalin rush ( the stress hormones). You are taken aback and don't quite know how to formulate a response.

ALWAYS, Remember the skills, SLOW DOWN, THINK/FEEL, CHOOSE.

Below, I will give scenarios which I call JAW DROPPERS and then the skill necessary to maintain your grace. There are 'little J' jaw droppers and 'BIG J 'jaw droppers and of course, the mini ones, 'mini J's,  that we encounter throughout life all the time.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS, HUH ? :
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I first mentioned writing, TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE to a friend as we were having breakfast in a coffee shop. I explained how very bright, expressive individuals would tell me over and over that they didn't know what to say in the face a conflict. "I've got one for you," she said.
Keep in mind that my friend, Jill, has done years of work in individual, group and marital counseling. She has a great life with friends and family, is a very successful parent, a successful professional ( not a therapist)  and just an all-around emotionally sophisticated person. In other words very skilled. Her 'little j' ( though it did not feel so little to her at the time) jaw dropper happened at a holiday dinner which she  hosted in her home.

HERE GOES :  Jill prepared a Christmas dinner which she does almost every year.  She has comfortable, elegant taste and the tables are set with pretty colors and simplicity. This year her brother arrived with his new girlfriend who Jill and her family have socialized with before. After pleasant greetings, Jill went back to preparing something and when she turned around, she saw her brother's girlfriend sprinkling glitter Christmas decorations everywhere over the set tables marking turf much like a canine and fire hydrant.
I asked Jill, " What did you do ? " This is how Jill's face looked ( see below) in response to my question and she said nothing.

                                                             IMDb

She watched her country elegance being turned into a glittery party favor poof and had no clue how to stop it.
Off the cuff, I said, 'How about getting a bowl, scooping the glitter into it and saying, 'these are so bright and pretty, I'd like to put them all together here near the window so that they catch the light and sparkle. '
A few things are happening in this choice. First, you are accepting that 'the girlfriend' brought something she liked and you are not de-valuing the gesture. You are not assuming hostility; yes, she is overstepping her boundary, definitely. No need to reject or humiliate her, just re-direct.


RE-DIRECTING is a major skill. We do it with children all the time. It's not going well in one place for the four year old, you direct his attention elsewhere.
Instead of a confrontation, a rejection, I suggest re-directing to what you want in the least hurtful way possible.

If it is a continual pattern,you might have to have a direct dialogue. Stay positive, 'I appreciate that you bring something to contribute; can we set it up so that it works with what I have planned since I'm hosting the event ?' Ask her what she would like to do ? If she is hurt, simply say, 'I definitely don't want to hurt your feelings, I want to figure out something that works for both of us, I really do.'

                                                     NIH

 If the person is exasperating, you may have to hold your inner nose and not get drawn into anything petty. Keep your eye on the ball; on the goal of grace. You can say it angers you without trying to destroy someone.


TWO SISTERS AND THE BIG,BIG  J 

Background:

An acute turn for the worst in their mother's health and then her subsequent death forced these two sisters into contact after a choppy, unpleasant decade of tensions in which they had seen each other only a handful of times. The older sister (Older) and the younger sister (Younger) had a complicated relationship almost from the start. Older was forced to do surrogate parenting for Younger, a dozen or so years her junior because their mother was always working and also suffered from anxiety and depression. Sometimes Older was very generous and later this seemed to lead her to resentment if she was not in her eyes sufficiently appreciated by Younger. Older offered help through some ambivalence and so there was a:
dynamic sandwich of, yes I want to give and no, I don't want to give but I feel I have to and I am angry and resentful.

As adults, Older was often angry, saying nasty things that alienated Younger. Younger was not heard when she tried to address it, often being met with,
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' I don't remember saying that' or 'You're too sensitive, ' or 'I never said that at all, I would never.' When Y wrote several letters  suggesting going to a counselor to try and process things together, Older never responded. Younger's husband advised her to send a copy of the invitation everyday until Older answered, Younger stopped at  three unanswered letters. Younger stayed away from Older and gradually the parting became a chasm. Older blamed the entire chasm on Younger and refused to acknowledge any part in creating the alienation and estrangement.
Despite this history, they managed to get through their mother's funeral in a calm, pleasant enough manner.

Wait ..there is more ...Challenge to taking space with Grace:

About a month or so after the funeral, Older calls Younger and says that there are some items from Mom's house that she might want. Younger declines. Older says that there are antique glasses from Europe that belonged to Dad's family. Younger says they sound nice but she is fine and doesn't want them. Older persists and Younger says maybe in a while she'll look but she is too tired from all the loss and doesn't want to see them now.
Another month or so goes by and Older calls Younger encouraging her to come by and take a look at the glasses. Younger says that she will and a month later she sets a date. Her partner and a friend offer to go along but Younger says that it will be fine. She is simply stopping by and it will be a short visit.
When Younger arrives at Older's home, Older is pleasant and leads her to a table where she has laid out picked over items. As Younger is looking at the items on the table, she realizes that there are no glasses and says, " I thought there were glasses from Daddy's family?" Older responds in a nasty tone, " I decided to keep them and give them to D ( Older's daughter). HOSTILE AS ALL HELL!

Younger is in a state between shock and dumbfounded. She simply says, " That's not very nice, you called me several times to come over for the glasses." Older, snarls, " Oh, really, that's not very nice ?"
This is the acute moment where Older is highly activated. Younger is really challenged.
Younger does not respond. She lets the heightened moment pass. She continues to look over the items on the table and picks an item that she remembers from her early history; a knick- knack from some shelf. Five minutes pass and without looking up, she addresses Older. " You know, I don't need the glasses but D is not her daughter, I am her daughter and these are part of my legacy; it's about my legacy as her child."
Older says nothing and they talk for a few minutes about their other sister. Younger says , she is leaving now and begins walking to the door.
Older goes into another room, comes back and hands Younger a box. Younger asks, 'What's this ?" Older replies, " The glasses." Younger accepts the glasses, thanks Older and leaves.

                                     Frank Cotham- The New Yorker

Younger chose to not engage with Older because she believed it was hopeless.
Fearing it would be an irrational free for all with decades of rage that Older would start blasting, Younger waited till the heavy emotional activation from Older settled down and then Younger spoke from a truthful place. 
Sadly, these two have never been able to connect on any safe, mutual terms.

FYI- J.K. Rowling and Abe Lincoln were never able to reconcile with their fathers.

SKILL: DO NOT ENGAGE
This is a choice. If you are going to be met with irrational or out of control energy, (what I call,
JAW DROPPER behavior) you can choose not to engage on any level that will agitate or keep it going.
Let it calm and then speak (or not).

SKILL REVIEW:  RE-DIRECT

                                DO NOT ENGAGE

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LAUGHTER-Martine Byer

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LAUGHTER: TRIGGER SHIFTERS

                                                                                                  witbuzz

My friend decided to go on a diet to lose ten pounds. She calls to tell me how she is walking along a city street lined with bakeries and food markets passing them without indulging her usual habit of grabbing an afternoon sweet. She is feeling pleased. A moment after we hang up, she looks at a phone message and  two minutes later she  stands in a deli with a Crumbs cupcake hanging off her lip. “ What the hell triggered this?’ She wants to know.

The word trigger has come to mean that moment when a person experiences some anxiety and almost without realizing it, often ends up  in an activity that they will regret. The dieter overeats, the person who vows to budget is handing their credit card to a cashier, someone who said they would never yell at their kid, is screaming, drinkers drink, everyone has a drug of choice to alter painful tensions. We’ve all been there but how can we not go there again ? What can trigger a person to tame their triggers ?

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As a psychotherapist, I talk about trouble spots with people, well, all the time.  We go over the same ground, harvesting pain like investigators at an archeological dig. Many times the energy of the trouble calms down and heals when it is shared and named.  When tough feelings arise, there are strategies to learn like taking three deep breaths to give the activated person a moment to think and open a space to make a different choice. There are physical reminders; beads to roll between fingers or squeezing a meridian point like the one between your thumb and pointer finger which gives the good part of the brain a quick signal to relax. I refer to all these methods as ‘trigger shifters’ and  laughing is the quickest, most fun ‘trigger shifter’ of all.

            I have actually begun to custom make comic ‘TRIGGER SHIFTERS' with my clients. It started happening quite naturally. A 28 year old client looking for love often becomes really wound up when she doesn’t hear from ‘him’. She finds herself distracted at her high power job, glancing her mobile phone screen every few minutes. She worries that maybe she did something wrong and yes, this is very much about the insecurity she felt with a judgmental mother who ruled by,’ my way or the highway’ so rejection was always looming over her. We keep applying insight on the wound and it gets better but my client is often seized by desperate feelings triggering.  I bring up Stanley Kowalski , outside his wife’s door, screaming for his  Stella in Tennessee Williams’,

 “A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE”.

My client laughs seeing herself anguished and undone waiting by her phone. “That is the exact feeling, I’m like Stanley.” Between sessions, I suggest when her intense feelings arise, that she imagine that moment in the play A week later, she enters my office and says, “STELLAAA !"and we both laugh. She tells me that she spent the week laughing at the Stanley in her head and shifted away from the agony.  Stella now becomes the smile of recognition for our mutual understanding of what she experiences. I have always loved that play.

           Laughter does good things; it signals the brain toward a new neural pathway that shuts off bad feeling, it unhooks an activated autonomic nervous system so that the jazzed up chemicals of anxiety do not release, it frees the mind and body from fear. It lifts a dark moment and de-stresses the stress.

Silly signals a way out.

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            One of my very depressed female clients wakes each morning and the moment consciousness arrives, so do her anxiety scenarios; the bills, the friend who is angry with her, all combinations of  unhappiness awaken.  She loves animal antics and we come up with a way to use that love to lift her moods. Now without missing a beat, she gets out of bed, goes to a comedy animal site on the web and checks in on the daily video. The triggering anxiety is cut off at the pass. By laughing at a cat whining at it’s owner for waking him up or an elephant in love with a dog, her body releases soothing chemicals. This is her new prescription. This practice of starting the day with a laugh and using her  body’s natural chemicals to lift her spirit has led to her reduction of  anxiety medication. She has learned to refuse the morning demons and to say yes to greeting the world with a laugh. As she continues this practice, she is finding that sometimes she has the ability to bring up the silly videos in her mind’s eye in the morning and throughout the day.  She is imprinting a new mechanism in her brain and developing the emotional muscle to retrieve it as needed.

                                                      BuzzFeed

            Another client stuck in bed with a long physical illness, was becoming depressed from the confinement. During phone sessions, we came up with a way for him to combat spiraling into a depression. He ordered in Groucho Marx movies, a series he had always wanted to see. When he recovered, he seemed to focus less on being grouchy from illness and  more on Groucho; ‘the tusks are loose-a’ makes the depression loose-a. Someone once said, “Groucho was sad because he didn’t have a Groucho." Even Groucho needed a ‘trigger shifter.’

                                                                 IMDB

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         Something funny can change everything in an instant as it loosens difficulty’s grip. Everyone could use a good laugh and a laugh at the right moment is extremely good for us. It’s the best medicine and it doesn’t require a spoonful of sugar to make it go down because laughter is sweet enough all on it’s own.

SKILLS FOR TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE

S

"SKILLS FOR GRACE"


TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE
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I define GRACE as kindness and courtesy. It can feel like a very nice space to be in and also a very challenging one to stay in when people and/or situations are pushing at you.

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COMMON EXAMPLES
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You are at the movies and the person in front of you is talking like they are on a cell phone in a wind tunnel.

You are feeling content and you get on the subway and some person keeps bumping you and is annoyed when you ask them to move a bit.

Your relative is visiting and you arrive home to find your dishes and cookware ( at least, they didn't throw it all out ) re-arranged. GRRR!!!

Our moods can change quite quickly. Ever watch a baby's face ? One minute they are happy, the next, displeased and crying, the next minute, happy again. Babies react instantly to whatever is effecting them and they are not able to apply thought and make decisions in regard to how they are effecting others. They cry or scream or throw things or laugh. Hey, they are babies and this is normal, expectable and acceptable.

Once activated, it is natural even for adults to become moody and reactive and want to just pounce. We may want to scream or cry without regard of our effect on someone else. Fist pounding, talking endlessly, crying, pushing, becoming demanding in heightened degrees is unregulated behavior. It releases tension for a minute but we are not babies and can't get away with these behaviors without consequences. After all, even overwrought real babies get on our nerves. We as adults have the capacity to be responsible; ABLE TO RESPOND, RESPONSE -ABLE  and the way we react will effect and determine the outcome.

Do you know what outcome you want ?

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Remember those rules we were all taught about what to do in a fire ? Here they are: Stop, drop and roll.

Here are the GUIDES FOR AN EMOTIONAL FIRE (fire defined as: agitation, stress, challenge, activation, aggravation, frustration, flummoxed, tense, uneasy, scared, hurt, intensely excited..)

SLOW IT DOWN

THINK/FEEL

CHOOSE

1)  SLOW IT DOWN - by taking 3 breaths ( short in, out slow.. can really help) or focusing on something steady on the floor or a piece of jewelry you are wearing.  Don't fight it. If you need to speak perhaps a statement to give you some emotional room: 

'I need to think it over' or ' I don't know where I am with it yet.' Your aim here is to calm and ease so that you can ....

2) THINK/FEEL- Are you feeling something in your body ? Now locate the upset; stomach churning, heart palpitations and keep breathing. You will settle in a minute or two. Assess what is happening and consider what you want to say or do or not want to say and do. Don't rush ( unless you are in physical harm).

3) CHOOSE- an action that reflects what you want to accomplish.

If you would like the man talking loudly in the movies to stop talking and you yell, it will likely agitate and cause him to be defensive. If you want quiet so you can enjoy the film, what feels like the most effective tactic?

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SWEETENING THE INTERACTION

Take a moment to remember and feel what it is like when someone is critical of you. Not everyone but most people want to defend their position. They feel attacked or accused which can make someone less willing to bend or compromise. How can you apply some method to support someone to be more receptive ? I suggest sweetening.

SOME SWEETENERS:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW WITH::

1) You may not have realized...

2) You may not have been aware ( ie; that I was sitting there, was on this line )

3) Is there anyway, you could (make this adjustment) speak softer ? Allow me to move over there?  Adjust your bag which is bumping me ?

4) I can see you see it that way but for whatever reason, I don't see it that way or I don't feel that way

5) That is not my take on it.

6) Be aware of the tone in your voice. Watch for the edge, volume, anger and try to neutralize them.

DO NOT ASSUME AND ASSIGN BAD MOTIVES TO THE OTHER PERSON

In other words, no blaming or judgement. Blaming and judgement will not help.
BLAMING AND JUDGEMENT JUST SHUTS PEOPLE DOWN.  HELPING SOMEONE TO SEE THEIR PART HELPS THEM BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT. 

If you encounter an edge from the person, speak to it simply. Do not return an edge for an edge and expect things to go smoothy.  In the case of the crowded subway car, if the person says,

' Where do you expect me to move ? Huh ? It's packed.'  ( I have heard this so many times.)

Acknowledge the fact, 'Yes, it is so crowded, it's awful for us.' and suggest trying something that might work.

Using an 'us' statement makes someone feel you are in it together and will find a solution together. This re-frames me vs. you.  Sometimes saying ,' let's see what we can come up with' can be effective.

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This may seem like a lot to think about and it is. You are developing a new muscle and if anyone exercises or plays an instrument, you know that repetition and practice help a skill to become second nature. In order to get one muscle in your body to have definition, it takes months of a repeated routine. To play one song flawlessly means playing it during endless hours of rehearsal but then you've got it  in your repertoire, it's yours. It is the same with the behavior of heart skills. We can make a choice to train ourselves as emotional heart athletes.. It is worth your while if you want to move through the world with grace and ease.

GIVE IT NO POWER-Martine Byer

               

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GIVE IT NO POWER- TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE

In the last post, I ended with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt-
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"NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO."
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This may be a true statement in theory and in practice for many but no matter how developed and advanced a person becomes in their awareness, no one is made of stone. We are human and as human beings we are all porous, we are all vulnerable. Things get to us and hurtful actions and words sting. When someone goes to club us, we feel hit.  When someone behaves out of balance with their own grace (kindness) and strikes a blow, it helps to locate their limitation and figure out what is really going on. It helps to know that it is their inability to regulate their emotions and their weakness in communication that leads them to strike a low blow. WHEN YOU GET A HURTFUL MESSAGE, YOU NEED TO SEE WHO THE MESSENGER IS.
If life is going well for you with a job, friends, things that are important to you, you may be less vulnerable and more resilient and capable of pushing a hit off quickly. If you are not feeling fortified and resilient, what can you do to get yourself there ? I propose practicing the the skill:

**** GIVE IT NO POWER.*******************************************

Some years ago, I walked into my building and saw a neighbor who I knew only in passing. She was sitting slouched over on the steps, had her head in her hands and was crying. I asked what was wrong and she said she was okay and that she didn't want to talk about it but then I quickly heard the dreary details. Her boss was continually critical. If the boss felt or experienced an emotion, she would just spew it out all over her office staff. My neighbor felt she had no recourse because she needed the job as a single parent. She had applied for a transfer but found out that day that she didn't get it though she could keep that pursuit active; she was distraught. I might add that she had a tenured postion and was not in jeopardy of losing her job.
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 If you are stuck in a bad situation, you have to focus  strong and hard on your own reactions, your own inner narrative, meaning, how you talk to yourself about what is happening on the outside.
My neighbor's narrative was heavily focused on being enraged, wanting to fight back and being helpless to do so in any interactions. She was very engaged in how unfair it was to always be judged as unpleasing ( and it was ).
One clue that the emotion coming at you is not about you is the level of extreme heat being heaped at you. If the boss is in attack mode from the get go, this is about her anxiety. There are appropriate ways to present displeasure, criticism, corrections without coming out with both barrels blazing.  The content may have some validity; maybe you were late a couple of mornings last week or your reports need more detail. Those things are easily corrected; they are not a catastrophe.
 I came to know my neighbor as someone who was nervous and anxious by nature and took things hard. Her narrative was that she had to do everything right and be pleasing. This inner mandate was impossible because she was interacting with a boss who had an inner narrative or mandate which was the opposite; everything from the outside is a disappointment to me.
THIS IS A NO WIN DYNAMIC !!
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She was giving the boss the power to tell her she was unpleasing and this sent her into despair. Once she woke up to the fact that the boss had to tell everyone they were displeasing, she didn't take the criticism quite so hard. If someone cannot give, they cannot give.
In other words, if you want someone who is tone deaf to sing a song in tune and you keep wanting it to happen so that you can feel good and won't give it up, you will be in a hopeless situation.
THE PERSON CANNOT SING. You are asking someone else to make you feel  good but they are not capable of giving it to you.
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NEIGHBOR                                     VERSUS                     BOSS
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Neighbor wants to please the boss                              Boss allows no one to please her

Neighbor gives power to define her                            Boss not capable of good response                                                                                                                                                                           
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DESIRE                                             VERSUS                     REALITY
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I WANT YOU TO SING                                             I CAN NEVER SING

I WANT MY COW TO FLY                                       COWS CANNOT FLY

**NOW look for something you try to get that may be impossible..think about it.
                                          
A dear friend of mine, L,  comes from the family from hell..no really! One of our mutual friends called L's family, a casting call for cuckoo's nest. Okay, so they were difficult and out of control when jazzed up which didn't take much. Though a few years ago, there was a horrendous situation when someone close to L was dying. It was a long, decline and since several of her family have panic/anxiety disorders, everything became catastrophized. And by this I mean on a scale of 1 through 10, crisis' large and small got bumped up to a 10 at the speed of light. Since L's family has so much anxiety, they look to land it on everyone by complaining, becoming demanding, irritable and blaming. L did her best to steer clear. The weeks before the relative passed away were rough.
About a month after the death, L received a letter, a diatribe that went on for many pages blaming her for everything for several decades, ( there is the clue: when someone comes out of the gate, heightened with both barrels blazing, it is about their need to land their unregulated feeling on someone; sometimes anyone who will take it ). It is a tantrum, not a communication directed at resolving or healing a problem.  It was a destructive, thing to do. L told me and what do you think my suggestion was ? Delete the letter and
 GIVE IT NO POWER..it is not about you.

Some years earlier, L told me her sister had lashed out at her irrationally. L called her on it and tried to discuss it. Her sister was blaming and nasty. L stopped her efforts to communicate. A week later, L ran into her sister. Her sister hugged her and tearfully cried and said, 'she was sorry, she didn't know what came over her.' L replied,  "That's the problem, you never know what comes over you but then it comes over me, over and over and over again."

SKILLS:
Look at the dynamic:

1) What are you trying to get ?

2) What is the other person capable of giving ?

( FYI: When I ask clients to do this, they often report back that the person behaving a certain way towards them also treats others in a similar manner. It helps to not take something personally when you really observe how someone behaves. You definitely need to hear your own inner voice; validate and trust your own experience without this but when it is widespread, it is sometimes helpful to see your perception supported.

On a scale of 1-10, see how high the person starts out. Everyone has their own inner life that they are bringing to the equation. Don't automatically take it on. GIVE IT NO POWER.

TAKE YOUR SPACE WITH GRACE by seeing where you really are inside in relation to what and who is taking aim at you.

GRACE CAN FEEL LIKE A WEAKNESS ( w/ Rachel Crow )

(featuring Rachel Crow)
WHEN GRACE CAN FEEL LIKE A WEAKNESS                         #2

   When someone offends you by putting you down (oh,that dress is pretty but it makes you look fatter), diminishing your efforts (oh, yeah, I guess it's good, I mean a lot of people run the marathon), denying your feelings (you're being too sensitive), re-writing history ( you never take me out for my birthday. Really ? You have the credit card bills to prove that you have done so many times) and I could go on and on listing slights and cruelties that I and all of you have heard and/or encountered. When these insensitivities are hurled at us, we get hurt, mad, and sad in varying degrees. Some of us are teflon but not many. If you reach inside, how many of you feel fighting mad ? Feel like striking back ? Giving as good as you got ? Being spiteful and getting revenge? I'll show them.

    The energy given by the offender has the effect of making you feel less and maybe you want to gain power and not feel weak by letting someone get away with it so you sling trash back and slug it out at that level. You wanna win and get the upper hand. That is one approach.

    What is power ? As defined, power is the ability to produce an effect, the ability to produce a desired effect without resistance, ability to cause or prevent an action, the discretion to act or not. Developing your inner connection in which you:

1) SLOW IT DOWN

2) THINK/FEEL

3) CHOOSE

will give you the power to not be set off like a firecracker when another person is in the mood to ignite you. It allows you to choose an action and not be jerked around by someone releasing their tension and unmoored feelings all over you. You have the skill to decide to act or not and in what style.

YOU CAN REALLY TELL SOMEONE WHERE TO GET OFF WITHOUT GOING OFF.
Knowing to step away is a strength not a weakness.

THE NEW YORKER - Robert Mankoff
( it's almost polite but not quite)

DIRECT APPROACH

Say it straight and represent your experience. Keep the tone simple and factual.

Regarding the marathon comment: 'You guess, it's good ? It was great. I trained very hard for the marathon and it took so much discipline and endurance and I feel like I accomplished a lot by doing it. It would be great for me if you could appreciate that. I'd love that.'

EXPERIENTIAL APPROACH

If someone is treating you in a certain way you can remove yourself. For example, a colleague is complaining or yelling and you have asked them not to. Simply put your coat on and tell them you are going for a walk..yelling does not work for you. If they question it, say: IF YOU SHOUT, I'M OUT..IF YOU STAY CALM AND JUST SAY, I'LL STAY.
You change the experience by not participating at the level they set.
YOU RE-SET and change the style. You are not avoiding the content to be discussed. You are choosing not to enter what they have set up and declining to be part of their system. You wanna shout, shout by yourself, I'm not participating but I will communicate on mutual terms. Let's figure those out.

Childhood is a blueprint for how we treat each other. This is where being unkind and not allowing one another to be their true individual selves starts and can get stuck Thank goodness it is mutable and we have the power to make changes. Childhood behaviors are not imbedded in concrete..you get to decide what to keep and what to let go of. This video MEAN GIRLS written by young teenager
RACHEL CROW shows both the direct approach and the experiential approach.
In the teen years, so much that goes on is about competition, judgement and rank.
'Oh, you do thaat ?! '

Someone has to be on top, someone has to be on  the bottom. I regularly hear these dynamics described in adult work environments. Not a week goes by without my hearing about insecure bosses or colleagues doing a number so that they can lift themselves at someone else's expense. The associate asks a question, only to be met with the reply, complete with a wincing face or huffy tone, ' I explained that already.' Honestly, is that level of condescension necessary ?
What is really gained by this show of petty power ?


 MEAN GIRLS by RACHEL CROW
 

" NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO DO SO"
                                                                                                     -Eleanor Roosevelt

TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE

SKILLS TO STAY IN GRACE: 
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I define GRACE as kindness and courtesy. It can feel like a very nice space to be in and also a very challenging one to stay in when people and/or situations are pushing at you.

COMMON EXAMPLES:

You are at the movies and the person in front of you is talking like they are on a cell phone in a wind tunnel.
You are feeling content and you get on the subway and some person keeps bumping you and is annoyed when you ask them to move a bit.

Your relative is visiting and you arrive home to find your dishes and cookware ( at least, they didn't throw it all out ) re-arranged. GRRR!!!

Our moods can change quite quickly. Ever watch a baby's face ? One minute they are happy, the next, displeased and crying, the next minute, happy again. Babies react instantly to whatever is effecting them and they are not able to apply thought and make decisions in regard to how they are effecting others. They cry or scream or throw things or laugh. Hey, they are babies and this is normal, expectable and acceptable.
Once activated, it is natural even for adults to become moody and reactive and want to just pounce. We may want to scream or cry without regard of our effect on someone else. Fist pounding, talking endlessly, crying, pushing, becoming demanding in heightened degrees is unregulated behavior. It releases tension for a minute but we are not babies and can't get away with these behaviors without consequences. After all, even overwrought real babies get on our nerves. We as adults have the capacity to be responsible; ABLE TO RESPOND, RESPONSE -ABLE  and the way we react will effect and determine the outcome.
Do you know what outcome you want ?

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Remember those rules we were all taught about what to do in a fire ? Here they are: Stop, drop and roll.
Here are the GUIDES FOR AN EMOTIONAL FIRE ( agitation, stress, challenge, activation, aggravation, frustration, flummoxed, tense, uneasy, scared, hurt..)

SLOW IT DOWN

THINK/FEEL

CHOOSE

1)  SLOW IT DOWN - take a breath, focus on something steady on the floor or a piece of jewelry you are wearing.  Don't fight it. If you need to speak perhaps a statement: 'I need to think it over' or
' I don't know where I am with it yet.' Your aim here is to calm and ease so that you can ....

2) THINK/FEEL- Are you feeling something in your body ? Now locate the upset; stomach churning, heart palpitations and keep breathing. You will settle in a minute or two. Assess what is happening and consider what you want to say or do or not want to say and do. Don't rush ( unless you are in physical harm).

3) CHOOSE- an action that reflects what you want to accomplish.
If you would like the man talking loudly in the movies to stop talking and you yell, it will likely agitate and cause him to be defensive. If you want quiet so you can enjoy the film, what feels like the most effective tactic ?

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SWEETENING THE INTERACTION

Take a moment to remember and feel what it is like when someone is critical of you. Not everyone but most people want to defend their position. They feel attacked or accused. How can you apply some method to support someone to be more receptive ? I suggest sweetening.

SOME SWEETENERS:

ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER PERSON'S POINT OF VIEW WITH::

1) You may not have realized...

2) You may not have been aware ( ie; that I was sitting there, was on this line )

3) Is there anyway, you could (make this adjustment) speak softer ? Allow me to move over there?  Adjust your bag which is bumping me ?

4) I can see you see it that way but for whatever reason, I don't see it that way or I don't feel that way

5) That is not my take on it.

6) Be aware of the tone in your voice. Watch for the edge, volume, anger and try to neutralize them.

DO NOT ASSUME AND ASSIGN BAD MOTIVES TO THE OTHER PERSON
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In other words, no blaming or judgement. Blaming and judgement will not help. HELPING SOMEONE TO SEE THEIR PART HELPS THEM BECOME MORE RECEPTIVE TO MAKE AN ADJUSTMENT.
If you encounter an edge from the person, speak to it simply. Do not return an edge for an edge and expect things to go smoothy.  In the case of the crowded subway car, if the person says,
' Where do you expect me to move ? Huh ? It's packed.'  ( I have heard this so many times.)
Acknowledge the fact, 'Yes, it is so crowded, it's awful for us.' and suggest trying something that might work.
Using an 'us' statement makes someone feel you are in it together and will find a solution together. This re-frames me vs. you.

This may seem like a lot to think about and it is. You are developing a new muscle and if anyone exercises or plays an instrument, you know that repetition and practice help a skill to become second nature. In order to get one muscle in your body to have definition, it takes months of a repeated routine. To play one song flawlessly means playing it during endless hours of rehearsal but then you've got it  in your repertoire, it's yours. It is the same with the behavior of heart skills. We can make a choice to train ourselves as emotional heart athletes.
And all this practice is to be skilled at caring for your well-being. It is worth your while if you want to move through the world with grace and ease.

GRACELESS w/John Travolta

This is what not TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE looks like...

I thought it would be fun and useful to see a young John Travolta from the movie, SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER, to illustrate what it looks like when people keep shutting one another down which is, of course, the opposite of TAKING SPACE WITH GRACE.

Everyone ends up hurt and angry which is good for drama, where you want a lot of conflict  but it is exhausting in real life to be off wavelength and have no skills to find some common meeting ground to connect. It 's very lonely. No one gets you.